Over the weekend I caught a glimpse of what pressure can feel like from a man’s perspective. As someone who tries as hard as possible to be in tune with the female species (especially when it comes to matters of the heart), it was a temporary (but much needed) reality check.
I have moved through much of my adult life thinking that I was at some sort of disadvantage without a hanging appendage (and when I say it like that, eww, LOL). That the pressures put on me outweighed any external stresses my male counterparts could ever experience in regards to marriage, kids, career, etc.
Boy, was I ever wrong.
On Sunday, Bryan and I attended a birthday party for his two-year-old niece. Once the cake had been eaten and presents unwrapped, we made a discreet exit when a family friend stopped us.
“Charlotte, when are you guys going to get married already??” I blushed. Bryan was just out of earshot and I always feel so put on the spot when people say things like this. I know she is sweet as can be and has good intentions, but there’s never an appropriate response to that question, is there?
“Well, it would be weird if I popped the question to myself, so you can ask him!” Deflection. Works every time.
“Watch this,” she said.
Oh, dear God.
“Hey, Bryan!”
And so it was that she cornered him into answering a question in front of his family that I’m sure he’d prefer to keep private. He shrugged and laughed it off, but I could tell he was uncomfortable.
After the incident, I thought about what that might feel like from a male POV. I know that he thinks about the heavy stuff as much as I do because we are both very open and honest with each other about babies, a potential wedding, and living arrangements. One thing we don’t share in common is that he’s experienced a lifetime of asking girls out on dates and having the pressure of being the “provider” (thankfully he lives with a girl who could care less about stainless steel or picket fences. And one who is proud to earn her own living, double snap and thankyouverymuch).
Obviously I’m not going to use this space to talk about his feelings, but I would love to hear from other men (and women, of course!) about the conception that women are the only ones who feel the heat when it comes to life-changing decisions. And also, is there a solution to make it all go away?
My mother-in-law (before she was) used to ask me “when are you going to make him marry you?”… now, I’m terribly modern about all this (i.e. I find it fine for women to do the asking, in fact it was me who proposed to my ex) but EVERY time she asked she made me want to live in ‘sin’ for longer……
I don’t know if it’s because of my religion, but I see guys getting all sorts of pressure put on them to get the right job, get married, start having kids. I think, in some ways, it’s harder for guys. And definitely harder than we realize.
I think you are spot-on. I think men feel ENORMOUS societal pressure. Women are allowed to melt down and cry and hash out their feelings on Facebook. Men are expected to tough it out. I am in awe of my husband who carries the weight of supporting and caring not only for himself, but for our entire family. I can’t imagine how he does it!
Totally get this. Right now, my husband and I are both trying to make careers at home, and it is a struggle, but we do okay. However, we keep details to ourselves, and I can tell when people quiz him about it, he gets uncomfortable. Man, we love to be up in each other’s business, don’t we?
Oh, hellz yes, I’ve felt that pressure. I blindly stumbled into my first marriage, out of a shameful abundance of spinelessness and cowing to societal and familial pressure.
And don’t get me started on the kids/no kids pressures and judgements. In this area, however, I see a gross unfairness. When a man decides not to make offspring, people judge a little bit. When a woman makes the same decision – HOLY SHITSNACKS! She’s judged to hell and back, and also assured (usually smugly) that she’ll change her mind. What if child-free people went around telling mothers or mother-to-be that they’ll change their minds. Yikes!
I have a friend who is the breadwinner and her husband is the house husband, and they are so happy but many people look at him and tag him as lazy and his wife as a sugar mama. Their kids have a parent at home, who makes lunches, takes them to school, wipes their tears when they hurt. It should not matter who the parent at home is but for a lot of people, it is a big deal.Women and men have their own pressures – not sure one has it worse than the other but men definitely feel the pressure as well.
I think marriage – since proposing is supposedly the man’s job – is where they have it worse. When it comes to kids, women have it worse. And then we all have to deal with the pressure to get a career, buy a house, etc. Everyone faces social pressure – just different pressures at different times!
I think men have enormous pressure to get married and provide for a family. But they’re not allowed to talk about it and they have to pretend that everything is fine unlike women. I think that makes it very difficult for them.
Allison B. said exactly what I was going to say. Man internalize a lot!
I used to feel a lot pressure, but Caroline and I have learned to be completely our own people, and I can honestly say it’s been so freeing to have her. We both have careers, so we share all the responsibilities equally. This balance has certainly eliminated the pressure for me. It’s nice to live in a modern world and to have such a wonderful wife!