The world outside my window is peaceful and calm, but the thoughts swirling around my head are anything but. Just a few minutes ago I lifted the blinds in my bedroom, relieved to breathe in some fresh air (that window has been sealed for the last four months. Ick). I thought of my life just a year ago and remembered that last March held so much promise because it was a small footbridge to the events of summer and a full social calendar. Just a year ago (pre-Hawaii) it appeared that Jackson and I were heading in the same direction in our relationship and I was ecstatic. After the last few uplifting blog posts, I hate to return to such a sad place but such is life sometimes. So allow me my Debbie Downer moment. I feel it’s just as important to capture these negative thoughts as well though I don’t always like to acknowledge them. It’s easier to embrace the happy than indulge in the pain, right? And I have been very celebratory lately. But today I find myself thinking about the things I miss about Jackson and living together.
1.) I miss our Sunday morning breakfast-on-the-balcony ritual. I don’t have a balcony any longer (somehow my fire escape isn’t nearly as romantic) but it was wonderful in the summer to admire the fat courtyard squirrel, listen to the birds, and sip coffee in each other’s company. I do truly miss those mornings.
2.) Ever since I moved into this apartment in October, I find it necessary to check the shower, the closet, and under the bed every time I come home. I would rather avoid a chance encounter with a rapist, serial murderer, or boogeyman if at all possible.
I also lock the door now when I go to the bathroom because as we all know, most killings take place in the shower. Actually, I have no idea if that’s true but it sounds like it could be. Can you imagine the embarrassment if I were found dead midst leg shaving session?
3.) Rent was a heck of a lot cheaper.
4.) On a somewhat shallow note, I miss my good salad tongs. Pretty sure Jackson got those in the divorce.
5.) I actually really enjoyed grocery shopping together. I’m sure Jackson would have preferred a root canal to an hour at the local A&P but something about comparing nutrition labels and the great tofu vs. tempeh debate in the refrigerator aisle made the process fun for me. Maybe I just hate the fact that I now have to lug my groceries all by my lonesome in my eco-sacks (hey, that’s a great word) but I did love going shopping together.
6.) I don’t have any weddings to attend for several months but the idea that I may have to go stag to a wedding is completely freaking me out. It’s normal that a relatively successful 30-year-old girl is single, right? I should totally go all Romy and Michelle and pretend I invented the post-it and then get completely inebriated, make a drunk toast, and barf on the bridesmaid’s shoes. That would be awesome and then I would never have to worry about getting invited to a wedding as a single girl ever again.
7.) The convenience of having a Mr. Fix-it around the place is something else I kinda’ miss and definitely took for granted while I had him around. This week I had a mild meltdown because I thought I lost all of my music files on my old Mac (thank god, I didn’t; that would have sucked the suckiest suck that ever sucked) but I knew I couldn’t simply pick up the phone to call him even though he would know exactly what to do.
I have, however, been able to get out of quite a few pickles with sound reasoning and a bit of elbow grease now that I‘m alone again. And I’m proud of the shelves, racks, and random furniture I’ve learned to assemble by myself.
8.) I always had an opinion I could trust when I bought a new pair of pants, shoes, earrings, what have you. Jackson was never afraid to tell me exactly what he thought and I respected his opinion. Friends and family members are always biased to a degree, but more often than not, Jackson would have to be seen with me so if he didn’t like a pair of boots he would always be quick to tell me so. Similarly, there were several questionable items he would bring home and I would politely ask him not to remove the tags.
So that’s my list. I’m sure there are other things I miss about him and living together, but I feel much better now. I’m actually through with bitching and am glad for the cathartic moment that provided me.
hi honey, glad you feel better. you are doing so well with moving forward…you’re entitled to a visit back every once in a while even though it’s painful. like you said, it can be cathartic as well. i’m so proud of you…seriously, you’re my hero. love ya! xoxo
Aw Char, i wanted to call you after reading this last night but it was late. You’re going to look back from time to time and that’s ok. It’s good that you got it all out there and it made you feel better. Btw, i’ve been known to check inside a closet or two when home alone, lol. And yes, the shower too. You can never be too safe.
Hey girl… This is your blog and you get to have a moment or moments! 🙂 Of course we want to see you move on in which you are doing in little steps but the rest of the healing–only time can do.
The comment, Can you imagine the embarrassment if I were found dead midst leg shaving session?
lol
You are funny! Love ya
Never feel bad about having a down day! Your blog is a place where you can get all of those things out and your readers are here to listen and hopefully give some advice. 🙂 No one is happy 100% of the time…in a relationship or not.
It doesn’t matter where I live or who I’m with, I still check the closets and shower every time I come home alone. Color me paranoid. Or maybe we’re just smarter than everyone else. 🙂
And my best friend in the entire world is 30 and single. She’s beautiful, funny, and highly educated with an excellent job. She’s just waiting for the right guy. No harm in that. 🙂
I was just talking tonight with a friend about those days, weeks, months when you wake up and realize that you’re alone. She said it was like starting at 0 and I agreed and then said, ‘well below zero, because you wake up the next day and your whole life is completely different. I had to work to get to ZERO, even’.
I think you’re working your way to zero. Things WILL get better. Most definitely.
It good to have these sad moments…they only make you a stronger person :). Remember everything happens for a reason! You’ll get through this, you’re a wonderful person and deserve the best in life and you’ll find that person when your ready 🙂
In the meantime where are those before and after pics!!! jk 😛
Another great post!
While reading it, I remembered how right after breaking up with my ex, I ended up crying because I couldn’t open a jar of pickles and there was no one to help. It sounds so funny now (:
And by the way, I want to know who makes those great salad tongs? I could use a pair…
Cheers,
Katrina
well i came here for Tea from the Tea Social, but thank god Im packin’ Vodka.
Girl…you are totally allowed to have down times and blog about them…that’s what makes you human and reader connection is huge. (see you and I are doing shots of vodka like we’ve been friends for years).
I really enjoyed your post (no I am not a masochist)but knowing the insecurity and fear you have and that you miss your dang salad tongs…I just hope that your day gets better…that you know that being single and 30 is something that looks attractive. I still have moments of…did I make the right choice (getting married)…what would it be like if I didn’t have kids…would i know who i am??
i think you’re in the healing process and have such a great support system here!! keep on keepin on!!
Danon
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Aw, this is sad — glad you have us to “talk” to about it 🙂 Thanks for visiting my blog and leading me to yours!
You are totally allowed your Debbie Downer moments. On the flip side, think of all the great possibilities! All of the cute -new- handy men you will meet! That feeling of butterflies when you encounter someone new… You have a lot of great things to look forward too! (I look under the bed, in the closet and in the shower when I’m alone as well. ;))
Thank you for stopping by my blog and for all of the nice words. You gave me a big smile yesterday.