Oh hello, my sweet friends and happy Tuesday! Did everyone have the day off yesterday, and what did you do with it? I actually worked but it was relatively slow, which was nice. I made the mistake of venturing outside to go to the library and I promised myself I wouldn’t do that again today—especially since it’s 16 degrees out there. SIXTEEN! Stay warm, y’all.
I feel as though I’ve kept kind of mum about personal things in my life from the blog lately. Not for any particular reason, since I feel as though I’m in a really great place. Things with Bryan are better than they’ve ever been, I love the work I’m doing, the people in my life, and I’m excited about some things in the works behind the scenes.
And yet there are days when I can’t help but shake the feeling that I’m stuck on square one where my relationship is concerned. Just typing that and thinking it out loud makes me feel so incredibly selfish, and yet, it’s my truth and I have to stand in it.
For the sake of complete transparency I won’t beat around the bush any longer. Engagement season is upon us, which means Facebook has been blowing up with status update changes, ring pictures, and the occasional engagement shoot. Obviously I am incredibly elated for ALL of my friends who are moving on to the next chapter in their lives—they are all wonderfully deserving of good fortune.
Put simply, there are days when I can handle this better than others. And lately, I’m having a hard time. Sometimes I worry that I’ve been too lax in my relationship. Maybe by playing the role of Cool Girl, I’m giving the impression that I don’t want to get married (edit to add: this is, I realize, completely false since I dropped the cool girl act a long time ago when I started dropping hints instead. Ooops).
The truth is, I’m not a conventional kind of a chick and I don’t care if Bryan and I have babies and then move on to the other big life-changing events. The order in which these things happen has absolutely no bearing on my life whatsoever. But there is a bit of fear that perhaps by moving in together more than two years ago, I gave away the milk for free.
Ew, that sounds so gross. I don’t really mean that. Let me start over.
Deep down, there is a resounding fear that I could end up very badly hurt by someone I love more than anything in this world. In the event of sounding incredibly cringe-worthy, I think sometimes I need the reassurance that this is heading in the right direction. There is no reason for me to feel otherwise, but sometimes when you’re in a good place in your relationship and you’re excited for the road ahead, the desire to hit the gas pedal can be incredibly overwhelming.
I guess that’s where I am today.
I’d love love love to hear from you. Have you ever felt as though you were standing on the sidelines, watching everyone else’s love story unfold? Please leave your thoughts in the comments below.
I’ve been there, but I’ve also been on the other side of pushing that event for the wrong reasons. You know, because you were at that wedding. Get married when it’s your time to, not because there’s too many sparkly rings in your newsfeed, or because you think it’s the next step. Like you said, it might be the 6th step. If you feel committed to your relationship, that you guys are in it for the long haul, you’re already married on a certain level.
Love your honesty, as always. Xo
Oh hun, I am sorry you feel that way. I absolutely understand what you mean and why you feel that way. But I do hear that the both of you are committed and I am sure that it will all fall into place when the time is right! Hugs xxx
I think you already know that I am RIGHT THERE WITH YOU. It’s so hard and scary. But this is probably normal for people…Right?
Hi Sweetie,
The fact that you found an amazing man and partner is most important! Anyone can be married… but who they are with is what matters. Plus, think of all the single people out there just trying to get to the third date with someone normal and somewhat compatible! Think back to online dating and all of those days.
Maybe talk to Bryan more and set some goals and timelines. you can plan it around a trip that could be your honeymoon. Some guys need that! Or if you are not a conventional kind of a chick ask him! lol
Right out of highschool, we moved in together. And we lived together for 4 years before we got married. I like to those were the years we formed our foundation and let it set up. I know the sitting on the sidelines feeling for sure though. Hubby has topped out in his company and the only way for him to climb the work ladder is to move to a different city. But because I am waiting on a liver transplant, we have put off the thought of that for now. Which means while everyone around us is getting raises and buying bigger houses and having one last kid, we are just kinda sitting here. I want to do big things, but I just cant right now. And that leaves me feeling pretty blah some days. I try to have hope that once Im healthier, we will be well on our way.
I am an old married woman going on 23 years – married “young” in terms of nowadays, but not young for back then. I have been sensing you have had these feelings going on for a while and that they have been lurking in the back of your mind. So I would caution to take it to the next step in terms of babies until you feel good about everything. Proceed with caution … protect your heart
I have a million and one thoughts on this – mostly because it reflects exactly where I was a couple of years ago… Email to follow 🙂 x
I so know that feeling of being in a good place and wanting to hit the gas. That feeling of being on the sidelines has been all too familiar lately. This too shall pass, right? 🙂
Anyone can get married… not everyone can be in a good relationship.
I realized that after I married Dustin for all the wrong reasons. My friends were getting married. I wanted to get married. So I got married. I pressured him for a ring, he gave me one, and less than 3 years after getting hitched we were done.
You are lucky. You are in love with a man who is in love with you. You don’t need fancy bling or a piece of paper to tell you that. Sure, those things are nice. But they’re icing.
If you feel you NEED a piece of paper to further cement things then go talk to Bryan about that. And I get that too. I’m a piece of paper girl. Iz and I got hitched because I wanted to be his wife and he wanted to be my husband. Some of us need that. And that’s okay too.
Just don’t let what’s going on around you change what’s going on in your relationship. It’s between you and him. What everyone else is doing is the outside.
And email me if you need to chat 😉
Complex situation that varies among people, so I won’t give you advice beyond saying that you two need more communication. You and Bryan need to be on the same page, whichever one that is. If you aren’t, letting more time pass without discussion will only make the situation harder later on when you’re deeper in the relationship. The two of you need to know each other’s plans for the future to see how compatible they are and the extent to which both of you are willing to compromise or not. The answer is out there; not learning it and letting time go by isn’t good. Best of luck to you.
P.S., It’s common for people in your age-group to avoid discussion of these things and it’s common for older people (in my age-group) to confront and talk about them directly, even bluntly. Life teaches us not to waste time and suffer pain through lack of communication.
Ah yes, I know this scenario. I think Shybiker said it best: you two need to communicate more. I have had to experience this with my boyfriend and the floodgate of honesty that followed helped us understand where we were, which wasn’t a good place. We’re in a way better place now but the first step was initiating the conversation. It’s probably going to bring up some stuff so it’s good to go in with an open mind and self awareness. I write down things beforehand so I have sort of a ‘template’ to go off of as I’m speaking. When it comes to my most innermost thoughts and feelings/concerns, I’m better with written form than verbal; so sometimes I just need to get cushion myself a bit by writing things beforehand, sometimes during, to ensure my message is heard and delivered properly/eloquently. At least, at first. Lol. I don’t think moving in early was a bad choice I think not having these discussions beforehand was an oversight that has led to the scenario you’re in now. And that’s ok but as Shybiker stated the answer won’t just appear and time passing won’t help. So just talk it out! It’s always good to keep in mind two things: 1) It’s a two way street; I have flaws and so does the other person we’re both guilty for the current state of this relationship. No one is at fault. 2) This person isn’t trying to attack me, this person loves me, they are just trying to be heard like I am and want their concerns heard/acknowledged just like I do. It’s easy to get defensive so keep it as kosher as can be! Best of luck and remember everything happens when it is supposed to happen – IF it is supposed to happen. No one likes the latter part. 😛 Have a great one lovely Charlotte and hope you get the answers you want! -Iva
*sigh*
This really resonated with me: Deep down, there is a resounding fear that I could end up very badly hurt by someone I love more than anything in this world. In the event of sounding incredibly cringe-worthy, I think sometimes I need the reassurance that this is heading in the right direction.
I often feel that I hold myself back and from others out of complete fear of being alone. Even last night, I threw that in J’s face, saying that I was never meant to be with anyone, that I’m a crazy cat lady, only with dogs and this was never supposed to happen.
Lately I’ve been feeling like something is brewing and is about to erupt and I cannot stand that uneasy feeling; it practically makes me sick to my stomach.
Shybiker definitely raises some good and interesting points….
I think once I hit the year mark with my then boyfriend, I started to feel anxious about moving forward. I was older than you are now, so I think that had something to do with it too. I wanted to have children too. I talked to him about it, and luckily, he felt we were moving in that direction. We ended up getting engaged about 3 months after that talk. We’ve been married for almost 7 years, and 3 kids later 🙂 As long as you guys have talked, and you know that’s where you both want to end up, I think it will all work out. My guy was working on affording a ring at the time, so you never know what may be holding him back.
Hi Charlotte, this post is so honest and I admire your candid writing. All of the comments here are very helpful. So, it may be repetitive what I’m going to say. I don’t believe that because you ‘live together’ you’re giving the milk away for free. That’s a load of B.S. In fact, you are common law and that is a real commitment. Marriage is not the definition of true love…trust me on this. Where you’re at is a pretty new place. Living together for two years is ‘starting out’ for any couple whether you have a piece of paper or not. I think the insecurity comes in when we start thinking about the’what if’s’ but what if’s can drive us crazy. Focus on the goodness in Bryan and the love that is there. It will all fall into place when the time is right for you both. I like Heather D’s advice to pop the question… 🙂 It’s hard not to get caught up in the comparisons when we see everyone’s life on face book. I think it’s human nature but just remember your life is blessed—always! Love this topic, Charlotte!
Your words are my reality in so many ways, and I am forever amazed at your ability to grasp them like a snapshot.
As time ticks by, I’m watching the exact same thing…feels like everyday another friend is having a new baby, another anniversary, celebrating milestones I can only dream about. As I watch myself careening without brakes down the calendar squares towards 40, I wonder if I should just bail on the concept of ever reaching those goals that most around me have cleared…if I try not to focus on it maybe it won’t hit me so hard when I look back and see how many goals I missed, or celebrated and then lost; maybe it won’t hit me so hard every morning I roll over to greet an empty pillow. Not that 40 is the end of the world, but the overwhelming feeling that I’ve missed so much still kicks in…like an invisible gremlin of regret running laps around my feet, trying to trip me juuuust to make sure I don’t forget he’s there. I’ll punt him out of the way, just got to catch him, and that requires me to keep reminding myself that I am at this point for a reason…if the individuals who have come through my life haven’t stayed, it’s been for a reason. If things haven’t happened at the same times they have for everyone else, it’s been for a reason. And if I’m alone until I’m 70, I have to accept that perhaps that was the most ideal scenario rather than pushing something that’s wrong and being miserable with the wrong person.
Thanks for this post…the perspective is invaluable. And it’s a reminder that I need to buy a new pair of boots to punt that gremlin on his next lap 😉
Hmm… I just don’t know! Cassidy and I got engaged really fast. Probably too fast. Then we were married for maybe five months before pregnancy. If I had to do it all over again, well, I guess I wouldn’t have my kids. But I wish I had had years with just him? I’ll never know what that’s like.
It looks like you’re getting awesome answers here.
I guess the big question is the hesitation, and where that comes from. Match always wanted to “provide” and didn’t want to propose til he had a good job. He ended up realizing that it didn’t matter and bought a cheap ring and proposed when he was jobless. If Bryan is waiting because of external factors, that’s understandable. But if he’s hesitating because you’re on different pages…well that’s a whole other issue. I hate to see you on the sidelines friend. But like others said, FB only paints the positive picture. So many people rush into marriage. I think living together first is absolutely necessary. I am glad you are both so happy, and like others said, focus on that, and not what you don’t have. XOXO!!
I certainly do feel this way regularly, I think we tend to see happy couples when we are single, and happy singles when we are a apart of a couple. I have been trying to enjoy where im at in life and value this “alone time”