Ever have a “what-the-fuck-am-I-doing-here?” moment while on a date with a perfect stranger? That moment happened for me at precisely 4:50pm on Sunday while seated at a very chic Italian bistro in the West Village with someone I had met on OkCupid just days before. I can’t say that it was a terrible first date, but I knew going in that I wasn’t meeting the man of my dreams either. He seemed strangely persistent over email and text message to meet as soon as possible and had mentioned the possibility of watching his copy of the movie Food, Inc. together when I said it was on my list after just two email exchanges. And yet, I told my gut to eff off and went along for the ride anyway.
But let’s rewind to approximately 4pm (just minutes into our date) when he asked how I liked living in Hoboken. I told him I loved it but I was ready for some new scenery after living there for five years. His response?
“Depending on how things work out today, there may be a room available in my house in June.”
And somehow I didn’t run for the hills.
To be fair: Jacob is a respectable guy. I wouldn’t go so far as to say he’s take-home-to-meet-the-parents material, but he has many redeeming qualities, most noticeably his intelligence. I’d much rather discuss the state of the economy or politics on a first date than Charlie Sheen’s latest rant so we did engage in a fair share of healthy banter. But for a good 20 minutes I sat back while Jacob rattled off scientific terms I didn’t know to explain his theory of evidence-based politics. I think I can hold my own when it comes to politics but I told him at least twice that science tends to go over my head. But I listened. And listened. And then I caught the waiter give me a sympathetic glance and I thought he would rescue me, but alas, he refilled our waters and made a beeline from our table. Bastard. Can’t say I blame him though.
Towards the end of the date, while we were still seated at the restaurant, Jacob asked if I’d like to get together again. I probably shook my curls a bit too enthusiastically when I answered in the affirmative. Hadn’t I just discussed with friends how terrible it is to lead someone on?
I’ve learned my lesson. Believe you me. Never. Again.
I spent a large portion of the next day at the German Consulate with my mom (who was renewing her Visa), filling out paperwork, getting fingerprinted, and compiling all the appropriate documents to obtain my European Union passport. I was exhausted by the time I got home and didn’t feel like responding to Jacob’s “How are you doing” text message.
Tuesday rolls around.
6:45pm: Received a text message from Jacob that said “Charlotte?”
6:59pm: Missed called from Jacob.
8:16pm: Another text message. “Did I flip you out or something?”
10pm: Finally had the chance to log in to OkCupid with the intention of telling Jacob to cool it. But he beat me to the punch and had instant messaged me.
10:41pm: I wrote him a lengthy email explaining that I enjoyed getting to know him, but he was too pushy and I wish him the best of luck.
10:43: He doesn’t think he was being pushy; he just wanted to confirm our plans for later this week.
10:49: Another email. Doesn’t understand what went wrong. Society is fucked up, he tells me.
And there you have it, ladies and gentleman. How to completely screw yourself from securing a second date.
I’ll bet he repeats this pattern, and wonders what went wrong. Surely couldn’t be his fault, thus society shall take the blame (in his mind). I hope dinner was delish – at least one good thing from the evening. ::: fingers crossed :::
hey man , he sounds creepy . i was gonna say to give it a chance but asking you to move in, in the middle of a 1st date? thats just wrong. pushy isnt even the word for it , i’d go with INSAINE, you were being nice.
Wowzers! I hope that he has backed off since that last contact. I definitely had a few of those back in my dating days. Some guys just don’t get the hint.
Holy change of personality, batman! That’s crazy how he turned so quickly!
Can we say freak much?
There are such strange men out there! My gut was cringing when you were mentioning things he’d said before the date. At least we know you do well with trying to keep an open mind š
Okay, that would scare me. I know, I’m a wuss, but seriously, pushy dudes always scared me.
Once a guy told me he wanted to kiss me and even though I LOVED him forever….I ran. And never looked back. LOL!
Wow. Dr. Jeckyl meet Mr Hyde.
Good lord, that is way too much work for one date! haha
Eew! You’re a much better person than I am. I would have found a gentle way out of the situation or just said you’re suffocating me already I’m out!
You know, if they aren’t just looking to get in your pants, then they are clingy weirdos. Why can’t anyone just be normal!?!?
Oy! What’s wrong with guys! Never do the double text! The only thing worse then a double text is a call attached to it. He failed big time! Girls like to chase too š
wow, what a whacko!
I wonder how some people think this is okay or…attractive? Congrats on getting your EU passport. It was a fairly easy process when I did it, did they ask you for a lot?
You mean asking someone to move in on the first date doesn’t just show that you aren’t afraid of commitment?
I love that, even after you laid it all out there for him, he blamed society. Yeah…that’s a reasonable conclusion…
Oh…wow…that is a second date you didn’t need to have because he’s that pushy on the first date. Honey, chances are…had you secured that second date, you would be on your way to Vegas right this very second to become Mr. Low Self-Esteem. So, congratulations on getting the hell away from THAT one. I really can’t decide what I like better…your dating stories or Shana’s bus stories. I would say it’s pretty much a tie. They both constantly amaze me and keep me entertained (at your all’s expense, of course). Maybe I can peruse the local military installations while I’m up there and see if I can find someone worthy because OKCupid keeps the blog stories coming, but not the romance.
Oh honey! I love the title of this post and YES- listen to YOU! You’re juggling a lot with these boys and the most important thing to make sure is that you’re centered and knowing you and what you want.
XO
Even when I was borderline desperate with the lack of dates from sites like Match, even I knew the big no-no when it came to being clingy. I still though will respond to text messages a little too quick I believe.
Wow. I am at a loss for words. I am glad you shut that one down. He had serious stalker potential.
Oh, that is so sad.
He just doesn’t know.
I know, it’s not your job to tell him.
But, still…he just wants SOMEONE to fill in the blank spot. And he doesn’t know how he comes off.
He’s in love with being in love, but not with the person.
Poor guy…he has NO idea. He blames society–that’s even worse. He needs to ask himself, “what did I do.”
I hope he doesn’t find someone equally as desperate…they’ll cling to each other just to have someone.
All the wrong reasons…
He’s a psycho and that is somehow the fault of society? Hmmm…interesting theory.
oh geez! some people just don’t know how to be cool. things like this suggest to me that there is some pretty strong baggage from something in his past, or that there is a bit of mental unstableness (as in, borderline or something similar). i mean, i obviously don’t know the guy at all, but as a therapist, that’s where my mind goes when i read about these red flags. well i guess it was only a matter of time before you found a not-so-great experience in the dating world right? thankfully there’s only been one like this, among a bunch of far more mature guys.
oye! he was a bit much. I thought they taught all men not to call until like 3 or four days after a date(hehe..). Seriously, um one text is enough. Well, you should be proud of yourself for being honest about things. Yeah for honesty!
Wow. I have to give it to you for being open minded though and moving forward with it just to see. But that “there may be room at my place” would’ve sent me running.
Also, good for you for being totally honest with him about why you didn’t want to persue it any further. I think that’s really great! I’ve never been very good at that…:/
Wowza. That sounds like quite the date… and more. Good for you for being direct with him about why it didn’t work. Hopefully he can learn from it? You never know.
Thanks for stopping by my blog today and the great comments! I really do appreciate it. Best to you!
HI..honestly, everyone has their style..but upon first meeting someone, I never go out for a meal. Its asking to be tortured. I always try and plan some sort of activity to keep the two of us occupied, that way it just makes it easier to hang out. Being stuck at a table with nothing but food between the two of us is a lot of pressure to not be nervous. If that goes well, then maybe I break bread with her. Its just easier that way for me..plus when this happens, I can make a graceful escape. But whatever, its all fun.
Wow. That’s all I can say. Just wow.
He sounds a little too aggressive so clearly not the best match for you. Next.
Oh dear š On the other hand, my husband asked me to marry him the second time I met him (like a sensible girl, I said no).