I remember a time not too long ago when I was terrified to be alone with my thoughts. I would leave the apartment and wander the streets aimlessly to spare myself an evening of being in my own company. Because it was in those solitary moments that doubt would set in and I would be confronted by emotions I didn’t want to deal with. What was I doing with my life? Would I ever get married? What if there is no such thing as Mr. Right? Would I ever have children?
See? This is why I would leave the apartment.
I hate to say it but working in Manhattan has changed me over the years. I have always enjoyed the calm but lately I find myself getting impatient if I’m behind someone with a suitcase and I get flustered when tourists stop in the middle of the street to stare at a building.
On Tuesday, I made an attempt to return to the person I was before the city had its way with me. I voluntarily signed up for a dharma gathering at the Shambhala Meditation Center which started with an instructor-led meditation (this was for beginners or for those who wanted a refresher course in meditation). I would have to learn to be still, at peace, and comfortable in my own skin for a 30-minute period. Seated on a rectangular blue cushion, I listened to the persistent, nagging voices in my head, all the while reminding myself that I would not be discouraged. I was here to meditate!
And meditate I did. Miraculously, I was able to drown out the incessant honking of car horns, the blaring ambulance sirens, and the heavy pedestrian traffic of 22nd Street at rush hour to focus on my breath. After a hectic day in the office, it felt refreshing to push away thoughts of my workload and allow some positive energy to sink in. The instructor took great care in guiding us along this process, explaining the benefits of meditation and the importance of finding time each day to devote to it.
After the meditation portion had ended, I understood the need to make it an integral part of my everyday life. I cannot wait to return to my next meditation practice and have even had a few sessions on my own, whenever I feel the need for stillness and reflection.
The second part of the dharma gathering was a lecture on disarming our internal terrorists and, though the subject sounds quite heavy-handed, it was actually an important lesson in quieting the inner voices that convince us we’re not good enough or deserving of great things. As someone who has certainly struggled with this myself lately, the discussion came at a crucial time for me. The instructor told us how important it was to “place the mind of fear in the cradle of human kindness,” and I’ve decided to adopt this as my mantra to quell some of my own inner demons. It’s time I stop beating myself up for things I cannot fix and focus on the things that I can change.
Amen sister. I really do relate. Sometimes being alone gives you too much time to think, and think negatively so to speak. I also relate to the NYC hectic vibe/pace. I find myself wanting to do everything in a hurry, even when I don’t need. Sounds like the dharma initiative did you well. Good stuff my friend. Hope you had a beautiful weekend. XO
Wow this sounds like something I should try. I never talk about it really, but I have plenty of inner firebreathing dragons that need to be tamed. I’m so happy you found this place!
I remember when I lived in LA and I used to get the same impatient feelings when people would stop on the sidewalk in front of me to look at things. My yoga practice did help with that.
Thanks, Salt. It’s really helped me find balance lately. Not that I’m entirely there, but I feel I’m slowly on the mend and things like this really make me feel like I’m making progress.
I hate when I break out my inner New Yorker! :p But you’re right: the yoga does help!
Thanks for stopping by 🙂
sounds like you had a great experience! i think i could benefit from something like this too – i’m always battling the “good enough, smart enough, dog-gone-it people like me” syndrome. oh, btw, no need for you to struggle with whether or not you’re deserving of great things – you most absolutely are. you’re one of the best, my friend! love you much! had a great time with you this weekend. xoxo
Awww, thanks for that, Nicole. Yea, I struggle with those thoughts myself. I suppose it’s only natural, though we’re all worthy of great things (well, those of us that follow the “do unto others” rule). I love you, sistah. Words alone cannot express what you mean in my life. It was great to spend time with you this weekend. Much love always. XOXO
I think it is so great that you found your own sanctuary and something that works for you. Just the fact that you went out and sought it attests to your strength and character. You indeed are worthy. 🙂
thanks so much for stopping by, sarah, and for your kind words 🙂
I’m so with you on the tourist thing. I’m finding myself getting angrier and angrier at them when they get in my way and I’ve taken to just pushing past people now and it’s soooo rude. I feel horrible after and I know I need to calm down. However, 30 minutes of sitting still and being alone with my thoughts sounds like torture to me! But maybe I should look into this place and check it out. One session won’t kill me…right?
OMG, you should TOTALLY try it sometime, Shana! I was a bit skeptical at first, but I really enjoyed it so much. To find any kind of calm in Manhattan is a wonderful thing. If ever you’re interested, let me know 🙂
I get like that and DC’s only half the hustle and bustle of NYC. I’d HAVE to meditate if I lived there! 😉
I agree that surroundings would change you and who you are.
I live in a small town, and am so much more relaxed than my sisters who live in big cites in florida and texas.
I’m just here, mooing mellow with the cows…I feel the difference.
I like how you’ve taken charge of not falling to environment.
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Thanks so much for stopping by, Latarsha! I use WordPress but recently had someone help with the redesign–let me know if you’d like her contact info!
You are such a good writer!!! Your words are succinct and in just the right order to make every sentence interesting 😉 I can relate with what you are saying. I recently received the advice along the lines of “have a relationship with yourself. Go for a walk, enjoy the beauty around you, listen to your heart…” I thought it was beautiful advice. If only I could gather the discipline. I think it is really cool you had a teacher to guide you through all this. I kind of wish I could go to a class or to!
-SITStah, CK