Last Friday, Bryan traded in his usual paperboy cap for a yarmulke, his Nederland soccer jersey for a button-down shirt, and sat with my family for a Passover seder. Underneath the table he kept his hand on my knee and respectfully listened to every word, whether he understood it or not. He engaged in conversation with my eccentric relatives and brought out the dishes for dessert.
Saturday, we woke up late and relived the events of the evening prior. The crazy aunt who wouldn’t stop talking, the couple who didn’t take off their shoes, and the fact that this was the first year I can remember where a relative didn’t chase me around the table with an egg. Maybe Bryan had given them hope that I wasn’t a lesbian or a woman destined for a life with cats after all.
On Sunday, he picked me up from my parent’s house, loaded the car with all my crap, and took me to meet his family for the first time.
And this is where we had our first fight.
I say first, but that’s not entirely correct. Our first argument happened weeks ago, but it was more of a squabble. Obviously I won’t get into the details of it here but I bring it up because I realize I was giving the impression in my last few posts that our courtship has consisted of sweet nothings and beautiful proclamations of love. There has been a lot of that, yes, but I’m choosing to hold on to those lovely, tender moments because I know they can fade with the passing of time.
Bryan and I are still fresh and far from perfect. The excitement and butterflies are omnipresent. But what we haven’t quite figured out are all the nuances of our relationship. We’re still awkward when it comes to fighting, which made the first one challenging for us both. A wordsmith by trade but a pacifist by nature (except when my stubborn side comes out), I tend to mix up words and meanings and make really ineffective arguments in the heat of the moment. I totally suck at fighting. And while Bryan isn’t much better at it than I am, I can tell he’s still testing the water and would rather just drop it after a few go-rounds if we haven’t already reached an agreement.
We sat in silence for much of the trip but the few words that were exchanged were heated. Once we arrived at his parent’s house, I reached for the Easter lily in the backseat I had chosen for his mom. My heart stopped. All of a sudden, I felt the shortness of breath and I became anxious and sad and upset that we had to have this argument now as I was on my way to meet his relatives for the first time.
Bryan came around the car, reached for the lily and kissed me on the forehead. “It’s okay, Mooi. We’ll figure it out later.” He smiled. I relaxed. And I went in to meet the family.
I know we’ll figure it out. But the first fight always sucks.
And despite the dark cloud that sat above our car on our way to New Jersey, I think his family liked me. It helps when you bribe the little ones with toys. What? Like you wouldn’t have done the same thing.
Do you remember your first fight? Was it over something stupid? How did you resolve things? Wishing you all a very happy weekend, my sweet ones!
I do remember our first fight. And it was mostly because of the same thing: we hadn’t learned how to deal with each other on the flip side of things. We knew how to make each other laugh and smile, but we didn’t know how to handle each other in a more stressful moment. We fought on the phone. We hung up angry.
The next day, when we did finally talk, we learned that we both had a terrible night’s sleep, that we were worried about each other. With cooler heads and clearer minds, we talked about why we felt the way we did about the issue at hand. We confessed our faults and how we saw our own mistakes in how it was handled. He admitted to placating me. I admitted to getting impatient.
The fight itself wasn’t over something terribly important, but what we learned from it was absolutely vital. We learned what NOT to do when faced with a conflict. We learned a bit more about each other. I think sometimes what you learn about someone from a conflict is more valuable that what you learn in the lovey-dovey times.
Glad to hear you resolved it, and you’re actively learning how to deal with one another in times of challenge. xoxo
Boyfriend and I have had a few fights…. mostly they were more over the distance and the fact that I like a lot of alone time. We’re still adapting and that can be hard.
Then again, fighting is normal. It means you love each other and care enough to pick a fight. It’s how you fight that’s the key, ya know?
I’m so sorry you had your first fight! I suck at fighting too….I just completely shut down.
Okay, this line made me laugh really good and out loud. “Maybe Bryan had given them hope that I wasn’t a lesbian or a woman destined for a life with cats after all. ” Having been single one up into my thirties, I can so relate.
Our first argument? I can’t even remember. Arguments are such a natural part of the course. Partnering in life together means you can count on disagreements. It is unfortunate that arguments always surface during stressful times when you need them the least–I can remember having one during our honeymoon week, right before we did the thing we have come to do naturally…we said our apologies and went back to eating our cake. Funny enough, we don’t ever remember much about the argument but man do we remember the cake. And that is the best we can hope for.
I think being clumsy in this phase is perfectly normal. Neither party is sure how far they can go or how much they need to push. Despite how bad or uncomfortable the argument of fight ends up being, I always judge it based on how fast my partner and I bounce back. In that beat is where the strength of the relationship lies. And it appears, to me at least, that the reality that the two of you were able to put outside differences for at least a little while, says a whooolllllleee hell of a lot! 🙂 I’m sure you guys figured out whatever it was just as Bryan predicted.
XO
I’m trying to remember the very first fight we ever had…but I’m sort of drawing a blank. It was probably about his family or me not getting my way. That would be about right. But up until that point, most of my relationships had ended with a fight so I was on pins and needles every time we got into one…thinking “OMG, this is it. It’s over.” And it’s not like I was 19…I was 26. So, it was just very ingrained.
Oh I remember…it was about him traveling so much for work. Because I’m also a woman who has been cheated on a lot. Nothing he could do about his travels, but he went above and beyond to call often and dote frequently and leave gifts. I can definitely be bribed. I’m basically 9.
I’m glad you had a multi-denominational holiday weekend. Even with an argument. But it sounds like you’re finding your way through the relationship minefield just fine.
The first fight always sucks. But at least now it’s over with!
Learning how to fight with each other is a hard step!
I was young and stupid when I had my first fight with Hubs. I pretty much stopped talking to him for a few weeks(um, this was when we were dating, not married LOL)
I hope you had a great weekend!
Glad you made it past the first fight. Glad all is going well. Perfect and lovey dovey is boring by the way. You need some action, a squabble here and there to keep the love pumpin. 🙂
Yeah, first fights DO suck. And the suckiest thing is when they happen en route somewhere, then you’re scrambling to make up when you’re approaching the destination, tee hee! I’m sorry you guys had the fight but it’s sooooo not a big deal, which you know. It’s good to have the peaks and troughs because it makes the good times even better! Kisses! xox
…aaaaaand I forgot to add, I’m sure you were a hit with Bryan’s folks!!
Wow, dual family meetings, seder AND first fight? You two crossed very many milestones all in a short period of time.
But these are all important steps to take, even the fight. 🙂
Bryan came around the car, reached for the lily and kissed me on the forehead. “It’s okay, Mooi. We’ll figure it out later.” He smiled. I relaxed. And I went in to meet the family.
That right there: the mark of a loving man.
Lucky woman, you.
xo