Jackson and I had dinner last night at one of our old favorite sushi restaurants in Hoboken. Note to self: do not get drunk and end up in a bed with ex-boyfriend. No good can ever come from this situation. He’ll absolutely kill me for writing this but this is my forum to blog it all out. Amazingly, we did not sleep together though I’m still not sure why I chose to dangle that carrot in front of my face.
The evening started out innocently enough. We hadn’t seen each other in about a month and he offered to help with a computer issue I was having. I hadn’t been to this sushi place in ages and the rain mixed with a crappy day at work made me look forward to our reunion. I guess we both had expectations for how the evening would end though I can honestly say that sex was low on my list.
It’s been six months since I’ve had any. SIX MONTHS. I think that makes me a virgin again in some states. And I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m not sure when it’ll happen again and I was content that sex with Jackson would no longer be. I just can’t. I have to give myself credit for one thing though: last night I was able to walk away from what could have potentially been a vicious cycle. Was there some indecency? Yes. But I did draw a line in the sheets, and, bless his heart, Jackson respected my boundaries.
Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite. I am the poster child for female empowerment when I’m surrounded by my girlfriends and I babble about how great it is to be single and do things like assemble furniture and nail floorboards in by my lonesome. And then I see him and all reasoning flies out the window. I do, however, know that the events of last night won’t ever happen again. Ever.
what a good post! and good for you, you legal virgin!
Thanks, Kiera! Will stop by to show your blog some love in just a bit 🙂
You are so INCREDIBLY strong for being able to say “stop”. It’s so easy to cling to the memories, make love to them, as you said… to let the voids be filled, even though it’s fleeting, temporary, and will cause damage in the morning…
I equate it to drug or alcohol use. You convince yourself in the moment that it’s fine, that you can handle it, that it’s no big deal if you use. The temptation is too strong, you just want to… one more time. And you do. Then the morning comes, and you can’t even look at yourself in the mirror. You feel guilty, dirty, and disappointed.
But you dodged it! You were SO STRONG to realize that this is damaging. That is a HUUUUGE step in the right direction AND a testament to your strength. In your moments of doubt and weakness, the days that you feel like you can’t do this, can’t get through it, think about this moment. Think about the moment you said STOP. Because that IS your empowerment.
Ex boyfriends are like herion. Once you quit you have to stay away because it is just too tempting to be around. Not that I know anything about heroin, but I’ve heard. I have an ex like this. He came back around after YEARS and in about 4 seconds flat we were in bed. He was toxic for me and I finally get that now – 9 years later.
Good for you for not sleeping with Jackson. You are doing so great on your own. Stop seeing him though. You are only torturing yourself.
I think it’s normal to have these types of slip-ups after a relationship ends. I know I had my fair share years ago as I struggled to get away from, and stay away from, a guy who was just totally and completely wrong for me.
You just have to get up, brush off, and get back up on the horse…errrr…off the horse (as the case may be). Learn from it, and move forward. You should be so proud that you had the strength to not have a potentially damaging encounter!
I don’t think it’s hypocritical at all to want companionship. Hypocritical would be lying around eating bon bons while you ask any man you see to put your furniture together while you espouse feminist ideas.
Which leads me to wonder…what do feminists have against bon bons?
wow…been a while since i stopped by this blog, but doing some much needed email cleanup/life maintenance (there used to be so much more time for this in the past…what happened???) reminded me about this so i checked in…and BAM!!! tons of great stuff to read. first off…AWESOME!!! your words are a female holden caulfield…almost too much so (that i feel the way you feel). although it is more like sam from skipped parts than holden (side bar – love those books because the guy is the vulnerable one, which is cool since we always assume that one sex is vulnerable and the other is just numb to it and doesn’t notice, but in reality we are all fragile…at least a little bit – kind of fun to get a true peak into the male mind). and yes…i am one of the enemy.
gasp…yep…a guy posting on mypixieblog. all good, just don’t tell my buds or i’ll never hear the end of it.
this whole thing is a bit odd to me since this isn’t the charlotte that i know. sure, there is a LOT of the charlotte that i know displayed in these pages (admittingly i don’t know you THAT well, but i do think i know/understand certain aspects of you that others don’t?..at least i find that you know/understand certain aspects of me that others don’t), but the charlotte that i know is confident and strong and sexy and tons of other amazing qualities that any guy would be lucky to find in a gal.
it kind of crushes me to read some of these entries, but other entries energize me. it sucks and is exciting all at the same time, but we’ve all been there. if not about relationships, then about something else. life is a crazy roller coaster. when i’m having a rough one i try to enjoy it by saying to myself that without the downs i can’t enjoy the ups as much (always easier said than done…and always easier to appreciate when the downs have turned to ups). none-the-less i just wanted to poke my head into your world for a 1/3 of a minute to remind you of the amazing gal that you are and to remind you that you are a prize and not to forget that. we all bring something to the table. there is no magic quite like finding the people who appreciate who we are and you’ve got quite the fan base as is….just wait til your back to you and then world…WATCH OUT!
change is what happens when we try to plan out our lives. it is ALWAYS rough. embrace the excitement of the unknown and the rest will fall into place. life is all about timing and right now your clock is open. LOVE it. many of us are eagerly awaiting to see how this all pans out. jackson smackson…much bigger, better, and more exciting things are on the horizon. just think…you are at the cusp of finding your REAL soulmate…not one of the maybe’s…but the REAL deal. paint me jealous. life is all about the moment and yours is yet to come!!!!!!!!!!
ah how these blogs make me miss tom robbins…
I haven’t stopped by here for a while either – what a great post. Good on you Charlotte for saying ‘no’ and realizing how dangerous dangling that carrot is. Agreed with Shana and Nicole that ex-sex is like a drug addiction, especially when you are not completely over them.
Wow 6 months – you go girl!
Sarah, that is so weird. I was JUST thinking about you today and that I haven’t stopped by your corner of the blogosphere in quite some time. That’s where I’m heading right now! Thanks so much for your kind words.
Stopping by from the LBS Tea Party – congrats on making it through the evening in one piece. I don’t know the whole story (yet) but I love your honest writing and look forward to exploring the rest of your blog 🙂
I am so glad you stuck to your guns on this and he respected your boundaries. I haven’t been so steadfast myself in the past and I can assure you that it only causes more problems. Stay strong, my friend!
That takes a lot of strength to be able to say no, especially after being a “virgin” again! I have had run-ins with an ex before I met the hubs and it was very hard to say no. I did, but it was still hard…You have to keep thinking to yourself…”Where has his penis been?” and that will make it an easier choice!
yea, definitely not something i’d like to think about 😉 thanks for visiting, jayme!