A few My Pixie Blog-related announcements: Please stop by and show some love to Life Without Pink, a very awesome mommy blog I discovered this week because it was featured at The Lady Bloggers Society. Tina has graciously featured my blog in her Friday Favorites. Thank you, Tina. I’m truly honored!
Earlier this week, Shana at Fumbling Towards Normalcy gave me a shout-out and I wanted to return the favor. I have always felt a strong connection with her since I started blogging. She details her experiences working in the craziest city on Earth and the life lessons she bestows on her readers always leave me wanting more. She is worth a read–please go check her out, NOW!
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A voice from my past with Jackson emerged recently which stirred up many emotions I hadn’t experienced in a while. I was caught off guard and in a bit of a fragile state when the distant friend reappeared in my life via Facebook messenger in the middle of the night. In case you read this, I want you to know I will love you always and that I miss you dearly. I think the world of you and those around you. I am here to chat whenever.
My Fourth of July was a bit different this year, but I had a great time nonetheless. I celebrated with one of my best girlfriends, kicking back strawberry daiquiris and wincing as her husband and his friends set off some fireworks on their driveway. [As an aside, maybe it’s because I have a vagina, but what is it with men and explosives? Just curious.] We waded in an inflatable pool and reminisced about old times and discussed some of my recent dating mishaps. It was great to reconnect with her and to meet some of her friends.
I stayed at my parent’s house that weekend (primarily so I could steal the car to visit old buddies). When I returned later that evening, I was in a very pensive mood. It was on Independence Day last year when I told Jackson we should split. I actually took a photo just before the fireworks went off (literally and figuratively); it was the last one of us ever taken together. It was just days after we had returned from Hawaii and I was still feeling a bit jetlagged and more than a little devastated after a proposal-less vacation. That day signified the beginning of the end and the point at which I realized I needed to make some serious life changes. I couldn’t escape it; thoughts of my life a year ago weighed heavily on my mind this Fourth of July.
I needed some fresh air. Armed with a tall glass of Riesling and a Marlboro red I had taken from the nightstand in my parent’s bedroom, I made my way to the backyard, happy for some alone time in the suburbs. Life in Hoboken doesn’t allow for much stillness and I always welcome the opportunity to be in the presence of fireflies and to hear the chorus of crickets.
But my thoughts were cloudy and self-doubt grabbed hold of me yet again. In my 31 years on this planet I have never been so determined to transform my life, and yet, here I am still feeling pretty banged up about a breakup nine months later. It’s maddening. I’ve tried everything: Meditation. Yoga. Writing. Spending more time with friends. Spending less time focusing on the past. Opening up to the idea of a new romance. Meeting strangers. Having rebound sex.
And yet, I still face the same demons and wonder why I’m hung up on the ghost of a relationship with the one person I would never want to date ever again.
Why do I keep returning to this place and how do I move forward? What makes the hurt go away?
Whoa, this post took my breath away. I’m 29 and I’m in a similar boat…totally in a place of transforming my life. I think the hurt comes from the transformation itself. To me it’s not necessarily something you want to ‘make’ go away, it’s something that filters through us naturally as the change actually occurs and we feel the tension less and less as we adjust to our new and higher path. So my two cents would be to keep going and keep moving forward, soon you’ll be on your new platform and these hurts will be laughable to you before long. Good luck!
First of all…thanks so much for the very sweet words. I totally feel the same about you!
Second…the thing that heals the hurt is time. Jackson was a very significant part of your life and the end was very painful. It takes a long time to recover from that. But you will eventually.
Be strong and hang in there.
Nine months can feel like a lifetime and it can feel like a fleeting moment. I can tell you from someone who has been there these moments will come with less frequency.
You ARE moving forward. You ARE letting go. You are doing much better than you think you are and I am proud of you. 🙂
Keep your chin and your boobs up,
Tex
.-= Tex In The City´s last blog ..Me Rhonda- Day 1 =-.
OMG, tex. i love you. i think “keep your chin and your boobs up” should be your sign-off from now on :p
awwww, thanks, shana! i know i’m on the right path but i can’t help but feel frustrated sometimes by how long it takes to get over certain things. i think part of me wants him to feel the hurt in the same way that i do but that’s not fair or even reasonable and it’s motivated by jealousy and a whole crop of emotions that are very uncharacteristic for me. but i try to keep my chin up in any event 🙂
Endings are sad and time will ease your pain. One day you will look back at this time and be very grateful to have gone through this life lesson that I promise you. Hang in there and remember it is better to be alone and happy than in a relationship and miserable. XXOO
.-= Michelle Pixie´s last blog ..Monday Minute Scoop =-.
This will probably not make you feel any better…but I just found out today that my ex-fiance, the one who called off our wedding 6 weeks before (and AFTER I had handmade 300 wedding invitations and bought a dress more than my car was worth) just got married last weekend. And when I found out, I was physically ill. I’m HAPPILY married and have been for almost 4 years…and yet…when I found out today, it took me right back to August, 2004. So..no…I can’t explain it or tell you when the hurt will go away. I can only say that sometimes reisling does make it all better.
.-= Allyson´s last blog ..Try a New Food Tuesday- They Froze WHAT =-.
THIS took my breath away. I’m sorry to hear that, Allyson. I know it comes and goes in phases, and there are times when I also feel so liberated and happy… But a picture, a memory, or a moment will surface and it all comes rushing back.
I have to say though, that your ex-fiance sounds like a loser, calling off a wedding six weeks in advance. You have moved on to bigger and much better things and that should tell you something about the decisions that you’ve made in life 🙂 I’m so glad you are in a better place now.
I have a vagina and I LOVE explosives.
A nickel’s worth of my two cents: First, there is no set amount of time for healing to occur. Hurt is good to feel as it reminds us that the emotions we invested were of substance and rooted in something deep. Second, you are definitely moving forward, but even in odd neighborhoods there is always a McDonald’s to remind us what is/was familiar. You’re in flux right now, on the cusp of greatness, the precipice of a new life waiting to be lived. Just know that while you’re waiting to move on, a smoke and some wine can make a moment remarkable! Love you, buddy!
thanks, buddy 🙂 love you, too.
So glad to meet you. I love Life Without Pink. And thank you for stopping over, this way, I get to meet you. It’s a pleasure, too.
I love it, too! Thanks for stopping by, Alexandra 🙂 I’ll continue to follow!
Thanks for visiting my blog. What a cute, cute blog you have.
.-= Kelly Be A Fun Mum´s last blog ..I Have Three Crushes =-.
Hi! Thanks for coming by my blog. Glad you liked the margarita recipe….any marg that’s under 200 calories is okay in my book! 🙂
.-= gigi´s last blog ..Sunday Dinner- Watermelon Margaritas =-.