The other day I heard a statistic for the umpteenth time that still managed to sucker punch me about how the first year of marriage is always the most difficult. As someone who has never tied the knot, I always struggle with the idea that a marriage license may change the terms and introduce an entirely new set of challenges to the table. I mean, who wants to walk into something knowing full well that it’ll be really ugly and rocky for a while?
At the same time, there must be some truth to the claim, as I myself have witnessed countless marriages around me crumble—many of them never made it past that starter year of honeymoon bliss.
For some reason or other, this has always struck a chord and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m terrified that the institutionalization of marriage elevates the stakes of a relationship or because I’ve already experienced crushing lows within my own partnership. How could things possibly get THAT bad?
When I think about my future, I see it through rose-colored glasses. Bryan and I get married in a barnyard wedding, we finally have a yard where our dogs can roam free, Saturdays are for snuggling with the kids and eating banana pancakes, we take family vacations to the Carolinas. As someone who can’t help but wait for the other shoe to drop, it scares me to think that all of those things come with a very hefty—and emotional—price tag.
What makes the first year of marriage infinitely more challenging, and do Bryan and I have a leg up since we have already tackled many of those financial and personal hardships?
Also sorry to start Monday off on such a heavy note. I actually spent some time over the weekend deep in thought (good things!) but after reading this over, I realize this is coming out a lot more somber than I intended.
That said, coffee. Happy Monday, friends. Are you recovering from an Oscars hangover, too? XOXO
I’ve been married 16 years this year, I don’t remember our first year being difficult but then we had been together for 10 years before that! I can’t imagine what would make the first year difficult to be honest. You’ve married the person you’ve decided to be with for the rest of your life, what could be difficult about that?! Life is what you make it! Enjoy it!! 🙂
I’ve been re-married for nearly 6 years now and I have to say, I don’t recall the 1st year being a challenge at all. Usually, with the exception of learing to co-exhist with another’s daily quirks, the discord comes later on. Financial issues, family issues, health issues…etc can certainly make or break a marriage. Having been married prior to this marriage, I have a bit of experience in a marriage that didn’t work. When my husband and I met…we were both quite adimante about not putting on fronts. We were 100% ourselves from the beginning. Lots of marriages/relationships hit bumps in the road when they leave the honeymoon stage and enter into the comfort zone because their personality changes with the comfort. I agree with Claire…life is indeed what you make of it. If you have lots of love and can remain focused on the love…you can get through anything. It might be tough going at times, and you have to remind yourself what brought you together to begin with during those times…but…LOVE is key. It is the glue.
I didn’t think the first year was bad at all. We got married fast… six months after our first date. We spent our first year REALLY poor… like… butter on the noodles was a real treat kind of poor. We lived in a series of exceptionally crappy houses (shacks?). We spent every minute talking and dreaming and making love and generally being in love. The hardest year, for us, was probably year 11. I couldn’t tell you why. Maybe it was the newest baby or some trouble I had at work. We were just tired and grouchy and generally annoyed with each other all the time. We became roommates. But giving up was never an option and we both put forth a lot of effort to move forward and things are better now than ever. There will always be ups and downs. That’s the whole “better or worse” thing. But I couldn’t imagine my life without my soul mate! <3
I don’t find any truth at all to the first year of marriage blues. The higher statistic is supposed to be around the 7th year of marriage (7 year itch) and that’s pretty much what happened to me. In my opinion, the first year is the bestest and sweetest due to the new status and the idea of spending the rest of your life with someone you care about. It was pretty exciting to me. If anything, no one should dictate how you feel towards your own marriage on your first year. It’s all about you and your partner and how you both approach any situation and obstacles that come your way. In a way it’s better too because not only you have to deal with stuff but your partner also helps you in ways better than a friend wouldn’t be able to. I’d say, don’t be afraid of the first year… it should be the most exciting. IMHO
I think the first year is hard when you get married early and haven’t lived together yet. I’m in my first year and things are perfectly fine. We already went through all the problems with living together, finances, and post “honeymoon” slumps.
I have a really good friend who took the first year of her marriage for reflection (and regret)–which should have come before they tied the knot, as they’d been together for long enough beforehand. I felt like I was the third partner in their first year of marriage, as I was over so much of the time, and I had to hear the reminiscing about old relationships, gripes over their financial issues, her putting her husband down for not being able to stand up for himself, etc. I had to constantly tell her to not put down her husband so much, especially in front of others. They almost broke up that first year as she struggled to accept what is over what was, what was reality over fantasy, discover what she truly wanted for her life, etc. But two kids later, they rebounded and doing well..
I think very self-aware couples who have already been willing to put themselves through challenges together and who are able to honestly and openly communicate with each other have the best chance at getting through the early hurdles of marriage. It sounds like you and Bryan have that.
Kids and finances later on down the line are another story. 😛
Charlotte….ohhhh I can so relate to this!!!
I’m not going to sugar coat things, you know that’s not my style. The first year of marriage is hard but when that first year is over, you can wipe your brow and do a big “whew we made it!!”
Some say that it’s best to live with your fiancé before you get married, ya know test the waters and see if you guys mesh in all areas besides the bedroom and then some say not to move in…..well, I’ve done both…..and once the “I Do’s” are said something changes……but it’s the love and resilience that triumphs over stubbornness and all those doubts after the first year.
I am a full believer about removing those rose colored glasses and pressing on…….seeing things for what they are instead of this “Cinderella~Happily Ever After” ending we grew up believing in. I guess my journey has left me jaded….but you and Bryan are doing it right, you are being self aware and tackling those obstacles that married couples face.
*hugs
This is my second marriage and both first years weren’t bad. For my first marriage it was the second year that was awful, due to bad finances and lying.
I think it depends on how open and honest you are BEFORE marriage and if you live together or not. Both can have quite an impact on what happens AFTER marriage. And not just that pesky first year.
My sister just got married and she was ten years older than I was as a bride. That’s a lot. And she does seem.. more together than I was.
It’s been six years for us, and sometimes I still feel like we yet to begin.
Although there are definitely snuggly mornings, banana pancakes and fun trips.
Since I’m not married maybe I shouldn’t comment, but I do think being honest about who you are and what you want before the wedding makes the transition into married couple easier.
Our first year was a challenge. 3 months after we were married, I severely injured my back that put me on bed rest for almost 6 months. I was pretty much dependant on him and anyone else who could put on my underwear – Shawn and I have been through so much and honestly, when anything happens, we laugh first because well…really…we got this.
In sickness and in health right?
xo
Our first year was a breeze. It was after we had kids that it got tougher. You’re exhausted, you’re broke, you’re stressed- it adds up. We got through that, bankruptcy, infidelity, and we’re still going strong. I think for us, unlike all of our other friends who are all divorced (we’re the last ones standing, 11 years married this June), was that we took our vows seriously. He made bad mistakes, I forgave him. We’ve done marital counseling, we’ve really worked hard to not give up on this. I think if you really think about every worst case scenario that you could be thrown, and talk about how you would handle it? That helps. I always said infidelity was a deal breaker. Turns out it isn’t if you work VERY hard at coming back. We’re onto baby #3 even when we thought we were long done, and we’re better than ever. I think we both appreciate what we have a lot more knowing how hard we’ve worked at it.
I have been married twice. Once when I was too young (mentally, not in years) at the age of just 23. The first year was rough. And so was the last year. We were married a total of five years. After the divorce, I swore off remarriage. Then I met my now husband. We married at 37 and 38 years of age. And marriage is a breeze. The first year and every day is blissful. Not to say we don’t have challenges or disagreements.
We both have prior marriages under our belts. We have experience and we have the life lessons that came with our prior marriages. We have truly learned not to sweat the small stuff.
It really depends on the individuals and how you approach marriage. The problem is so many people concentrate on a perfect wedding that once that festivities are over, they forgot about what comes after that – creating a great marriage.
Don’t listen to statistics. Create the life the two of you want and put each other first. And as someone else wrote – never say never. You do not know what you can go through until you go through it together. Live marriage by your rules. Not anyone else’s.
I will say that it is a learning process. You are getting used to living with someone, and dealing with in-laws and learning how to live with someone always takes getting used to. With that being said, I think it is all about how you work things out together. Our first year wasn’t bad at all, even though we had a lot of family issues on both sides, we were still able to push through it by working together.
Stopping by from SITS!
I wouldn’t say our first year of marriage was tough, except by comparison to the years that followed. In the first year, we did fight more often–by year two it seemed like we’d learned how get along in a more tranquil manner. 🙂
I love a post that makes you think! Having been married for 10 years, and getting married quite quickly (by some standards) I would say our first year was tough. It was about learning how to share time, space, money, how to make compromises and how to fight “fairly”. We were also quite young and had children quickly as well. I will say it was all character building and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I’m once divorced but I can’t count that since I wasn’t in the right state of mind pregnant and all. So I digress, I’ve been with my bf for almost 3 years now and it is hard but it’s worth it. I’m no authority on this subject matter but I feel as long as you’re a) not willing to give up and b) disgustingly, uncomfortably honest (especially about finances, retirement, children, religion, the kind of toilet paper you use, etc..) – then regardless of the difficulty, you’ll be fine. Some folks it’s year 1 some it’s year 2 – no one knows for sure and no one cares; we take shots, make love, watch stupid television, bicker for no reason at all and keep it moving. Have a great one Charlotte! -Iva
Our first year was not difficult…but then again we waited a long time to marry and we’ve both decided that we are in this together, for the long-haul. We work to put each other first and we protect our marriage.
what was difficult and what continues to be difficult is my independence. Because I waited a long time to get married, my adjustment is all about learning when to let him help me and support me and take the lead in our relationship when he needs to do so.