Maybe it’s just my imagination, but it seems as though there have been a lot of “how to tell you’re really married/in a LTR relationship” articles cropping up all over the place. Some of them are funny, others are insightful, and a few are downright ridiculous (always my favorite, like this gem, which I obviously had to share on my Facebook page). Anyway, it seems as though people are really examining their committed relationships under a new microscope–and finding comfort in knowing that other people are equally distraught by the way their partner stacks the dishwasher.
I get it. Completely. Last week Bryan and I had an epic text exchange about pants from the dry cleaners. I’ll spare you the titillating details.
But lately, I’ve seen a lot of behaviors from couples in committed relationships that’s rubbed me wrong. Let’s take a look and examine some of these things, shall we?
Disrespecting your partner (duh). You know when you tell a joke and there’s that moment after the punch line when you look around the room like Fozzie Bear with your mouth open (“Waka Waka Waka!”) but the noise of silence is deafening? That’s kind of like when you go into explicit details about how much of a f#ck up your partner is or how he/she never listens or whatever your latest gripe might be. There’s a level of respect that should be present at all times. If it’s not there, then perhaps you should do the honors of saving yourself–and your partner—from further humiliation and move on
Referring to your partner as a “ball and chain.” This expression really irritates me. Bryan is as much my proverbial ball and chain as I am his (since we’re committed to each other), but I try not to say this as it’s incredibly insulting and implies that he is a hindrance to the good times in my life. That’s absolutely not true and why would you want to announce that to the world? It’s a common expression I hear men saying about their GFs/wives all the time and it’s rude. No more mas, you guys
Obsessing over relationship goals. Last week I received an email with the headline “How to get your man to propose.” A few things: I have done nearly all the things on that list and still no bling; this came from a woman who hasn’t been in a committed relationship for nearly 10 years; and stop making me feel bad with your stupid newsletters. What’s that expression about opinions and assholes? Let’s stop comparing and/or feeling bad about being in relationships if we’re happy. I’m not saying you shouldn’t WANT those things in a partner, but it shouldn’t be the end-all. In the midst of navigating relationship challenges, don’t forget the foundational intimacy that once brought you close. Consider ways to boost bedroom romance, which can be a catalyst for mending other aspects of your relationship.
Letting stupid things fester. I hate to rock the boat. This is a terrible habit because I will remember sh*t that will blow your mind when the cap comes off and I finally explode. Last week, Bryan did something that bothered me. Instead of internalizing my emotions, I brought them up in a calm manner, we talked, and it was squashed immediately. SO EASY! I’m listing this one here to remind myself that it’s okay to bring up uncomfortable stuff if it helps me move on from something that’s pissing me off in my relationship
Following really stupid advice you see published in lists, like this one 🙂
What’s on your list, friends? Happy Monday, and don’t forget to enter my wooden watch giveaway going on now!
Loved reading this. Last night I accidentally disrespected my fiancé and I felt super bad. My comment was unnecessary. I think that’s one of the worst things you can do…disrespect your partner in public.
I absolutely agree: RESPECT is one of the most important things in a relationship. You should always have your partners back, even when you don’t necessarily agree, but when facing others, you should always be a team. And you should always be honest. Trust is something you have to earn and you should be able to trust your better half as well. Lies have no place in a good relationship. Those are the two things that are most important to me: Respect and Honesty. Great post, girl! Hugs xxx
Anything that says “how to make/ get your partner to do…” If i have to force him to do something i want that he doesn’t, obviously we’re not on the same page. I LOATHE any suggestion of manipulation in a relationship.
YES TO EVERY SINGLE THING HERE!
Respect is HUGE. I’m always baffled when people speak poorly of their partner and then wonder why people look at them oddly when they flip the switch. Yesterday you said this and now you’re all lovey dovey…
I’ve grown so much in my 15 years with my husband, I use to be more prone to let things fester and explode. I don’t do that anymore.
I’m human though so there are times where I do get to finger waving and neck rolling….
XO
Testify sister! Well put!
Respect is so important! It makes me sad when someone refers to their spouse or relationship as a ball and chain…
I love this! Especially the first two on this list. When I read the first one I immediately thought of all the relationship rants that go up on Facebook. I had a friend who used to repost “relationship rules” and stuff like that and tag her husband. Someone finally said that it seemed really disrespectful to do that publicly and she was like, “I’m just trying to make him a better husband.” I wanted to be like, “And how would you feel if he posted stuff like this, tagged you and said, ‘I’m just trying to make her a better wife?'” It’s just not cool.
Loved this. Disrespecting your partner is a big no. I have been married for 14 years. I got married young: age 18…I would say never correct your partner in front of people. I know it might sound dumb but it really works. So let say your guy is sharing a story and he says there were 10 cats in the park but in reality there was like 3. I never correct my hubby in public. I think it looks really bad when couples correct what their partner is saying. It really doesn’t matter if their was 3 or 10 cats. 🙂
That’s one thing I have always really appreciated about my relationship with Chris. We are really respectful of each other. It is SO important.
Guilty as charged about letting things fester. Sometimes for 8 years! Oh, what fun. We’re doing ok, I think. Something is working. We just need that romantic trip to Barcelona.
So I’d say not having alone time is a way to kill a relationship. With kids, that’s something we have to watch for.
And I hate, hate, hate when couples pick at each other or mock each other in public. Boo!
That Scary Mommy article is a gem of gold, right?! So many truths there. I could’ve scratched out verbs and pronouns for each number to tailor it to my life.
My biggest pet peeve is people dolling out (unsolicited) advice that they’re unqualified to give, such as single people or someone that’s been just divorced and newly jaded, or a 22 year old with marriage advice. Just NO. I appreciate people sharing what worked for THEM, it won’t always work out for everyone. And pardon me but at 22 and you’ve been married for 6 months, sorry but I’m going to take your “advice” like a grain of salt.
Another thing I’ve realized with age and maturity, no matter how pissed off I am or I want to spit nails at my hubby, do not throw the other person under the bus. Have some respect, don’t shit talk your significant other to your friends no matter what!!!
I really enjoyed reading this, Charlotte. 🙂 xoxo!
I so puffy heart this. David and I have been together for 17 years now. Married for 12. And still honeymooning. Respect is key. I hear and see people talk so much trash about their spouses. It makes me sad. If somethings broke, you fix it and move on. Not kick it around and break it more. Just saying. Throw in a bunch of forgiving, patience and some good lovin, that will get you far 😉 Great post!
Respect, definitely. But so is the whole ‘not letting stupid things fester.’
Because, really, festering is never good. Not unless you’re going for that ‘dead and rotten’ look a la The Addam’s family. (and now I totally want to go watch that haha!)
Stopping by via 6 words with Eli – so glad I did!
I agree on the festering thing. Let it all out. I don’t understand why couples hold it in. Communication is key!
This is one of your recent posts that I meant to comment on! 1.) All of your points are so true. 2.) I really need to bookmark that last one and read it often. I’m so terrified of conflict that I’ll often never tell ANYONE when I’m upset about something. Then years later (and a ton of incidents I never addressed later) it all suddenly comes out and the person’s like, “Um…why are you insane?” And, I don’t blame them for feeling that way! Better to address things right away. And yes to the respecting each other idea. Without being present for them all, I can 100% guarantee that Todd is never disrespectful to me behind my back. I know that more than I know most things. It’s one of the things I love about him the most!
I really enjoyed reading this, it helped me understand some mistakes I may be doing in my own relationship, or the fear of what I may do. I agree especially with the last point about letting out the issue at hand, but calmly with your partner so it can be dealt with, instead of letting it boil down within you until you can’t contain it.
Great post. Of course there is also cheating on your partner. I really made that mistake in a bad way. I caution everyone. Just don’t cheat. It hurts everyone. It did me and the man I loved.
I wrote about my story on lessonsfromlindsey.com. I hope others can learn from my errors.
While I do believe there’s a similarity in the way a healthy relationship works, I must admit every relationship has its own path and walks its own walk.
A piece of advice that would help one couple could be useless for another couple. The only thing that’s important is to Love. Once I started loving my partner fully, no other advice was useful. Because when I love my partner, I respect him, I look after my self so I could look after our family, I bring up things that bother me early, so I could avoid exaggerating them later and so on. My only relationship goal is to Love him, and that’s what makes us so strong. Great article!
I appreciate your honesty and candor. I think that makes what you share more relatable and comforting. I just found your blog and look forward to following more. As for this entry, I agree that we need to be mindful at all times how we speak about each other when with company. And calling our significant others unflattering names does not help either. We need to show them love, not disdain.
What an amazing article, what you said is actually true afrilatest.com would say that every emotionally made decision is a bad one so even in the ups and down in relationship seen, we should learn to keep our heads down