help yourself

I guess I’m just in an Amy Winehouse kind of mood lately. This will soon make sense. Maybe.

I am wiping the slate clean this week and starting anew. It’s time to rid myself of the material and earthly attachments I have no use for once and for all. Time to clean out the clutter: empty my phone of numbers I don’t call, donate old clothing I haven‘t worn in years (yes, even my black floral polyester bellbottoms), throw out stacks of paper and magazines I will never read, and rid myself of negative thoughts and the people who think them.

It’s been a rough week. Work has been hectic, crazy, and emotional. I’m in the worst financial straits of my life. I’m not sure that I’m completely happy. I wonder sometimes if this is just a passing funk or if I need to switch gears and hop on a plane to Europe to figure it all out. Obviously, I can’t do that just yet what with the lack of financial backing but it’s nice to escape mentally every now and then. All week I’ve actually been in Paris, staring out at Sacré-Coeur, listening to the street musicians and meandering the streets with a pastry. How I wish I could strike a book deal so I can create my own “Eat Pray Love” journey. Le sigh.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not recovering from Jackson quickly enough and I get frustrated. As much as I long for the hand-holding and stimulating conversations of that “honeymoon phase“ with a new beau, I think I’d much rather have a sexy tryst right now. I want to steam up some mirrors. It’s been a while and I’d like to feel attractive to and desired by someone again. I wonder what it will feel like to be with another man; if it’ll hurt and make me think of my ex or if it’ll help me to get over him.

I started pulling out my summer clothing this week. We had a few days of sunshine and I wanted to take advantage so I rocked some short dresses, high boots, big earrings… it feels good to try sexy on for size. (Thank god I did because it hasn‘t stopped raining in two days. Back to baggy sweatpants and oversized t-shirts for me. Reeeor). I feel my confidence returning slowly but it‘s the constant back and forth that kills me. One minute I’m cool as a cucumber, the next I assume the role of a deflated balloon. What is that?

I decided to set a realistic goal for myself. Over the next few weeks (okay, months) I’m going to try and act naturally around men I’m physically attracted to and try and gather up enough confidence to eventually ask someone out on a date. I’m not looking, but if I happen to spot a cute guy at a show I’m going to march right up to him and introduce myself. What do I have to lose, right? So while this is all very terrifying for me, I feel it’s necessary to turn over this leaf. At one point in my life, I was actually a very good flirt. Granted it’s been years, but I bet I still have it in me somewhere. Baby steps.

I met up with a buddy for lunch on Saturday and we had a nice chat about love and relationships and how to go about meeting people these days. Obviously I feel very out of the loop so advice from someone currently in the game is invaluable. He told me about his experience with speed dating (which I’m still on the fence about) and he taught me to approach a date with a little more confidence and a bit less formality. It’s all in my head. If I tell myself I’m on a date, I’ll panic. So maybe if I can convince myself I’m out with a friend, I’ll loosen up a bit. I’ll have to repeat this in the mirror a few times before it sticks but I think I can do it. Also I might need some liquid courage, but I‘m cool with that.

I wonder if this is all just like riding a bicycle. Will I meet someone I click with and instantly forget what it is I’ve been walking away from? I think I’m ready to find out.