On Monday evening, over a healthy vegetarian dinner at Curly’s on 14th Street, I sat with an old friend and discussed the meaning of it all: love, loss, and lessons learned. It’s the subtitle of my blog, but I like to think it also sums up this great adventure we call life (take or leave the “loss” part).
Sometimes I wonder why we sign up to fall in love in the first place, when there is so much heartache and failed expectations but then I remember the good times, the beginnings of any relationship, the late-night phone conversations, the excitement of getting to know someone new, the physical/sexual/emotional connections that I have formed with lovers over the years, and it all comes back. I understand what it means to crave companionship and sometimes I have a hard time being alone at this stage in my life. I recognize that this is where I’m meant to be and there are days when I truly love being single, but I miss having a companion all the same.
I hope this means I’m only human. I’d still like to think that I’m a very independent person.
It was great to catch up with M over dinner and fill in the gaps since the last time we had spoken. I told her about the many external pressures I experienced when I was with Jackson, especially towards the end of our run. I opened up about what it was like to live in a fishbowl and how I felt everyone around me had an opinion about our relationship. It felt good to get a lot of that stuff off my chest (and thank you to M for patiently listening).
Less than a year ago I fantasized about walking down the aisle, the dress I would wear, the music at the reception. But I wasn’t entirely happy and Jackson and I stood on shaky ground. I tried to spice up the relationship (that should have been the first sign of trouble: that we needed “spices”). I suggested that we take a vacation, I surprised him after work with sexy lingerie, I played the role of “good girlfriend” in hopes that he would recognize my worth and put a damn ring on it.
But now that this time has elapsed and I’m no longer in this relationship, I feel liberated without the weight of all that pressure. I hope that doesn’t seem contradictory since earlier I mentioned that I miss the companionship. Of course I do. But if Jackson had proposed, I might be stuck in a terrible marriage today. The thought that I nearly let all reason fly out the window to wear a wedding dress is inconceivable to me now.
“You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.“
These words, spoken by David Walcott and given to me by M, leave me with much hope. “Love after Love” will happen, but now I need to focus on the woman within.
Really lovely post Charlotte – the quote is wonderful. I am so glad you feel liberated again – you seem to be in a great place at the moment. And of course you will have all that wonderfulness of a relationship in your life again – just because you are so good alone, you’ll be so good with someone else when you’re ready.
All is good with me – thanks for stopping by. Been researching infidelity, which reminds me of how lucky I am!
Amen to that!
Yes, ’tis I, She Who Hath Disappeared Off the Face of the Blogging World.
(:P)
Y’know, as hackneyed as it may sound, when you’re at that stage when you know you have to and WANT to focus on yourself, that’s when the best things come.
When I (insidiously) fell in love with my now-fiance, I was in a place in my life when I was absolutely content to just be alone, enjoy that, work on myself, yada yada…had zero interest in a relationship. And then IT found ME.
All in all, enjoy your time with YOU. There’s so much greatness in that.
OMG, where have you been??? thanks for stopping by again! i’ve actually checked back on your blog from time to time, hoping you would update! i’ll check again later 🙂
thank you so much for your kind, encouraging words. i’ve heard this from quite a few people, so there must be some truth to it, right? it finds you when you stop looking? i haven’t been looking, just enjoying this time in my life. in all honesty, it feels good to be selfish. i forgot how varied my interests are and i’m having fun exploring them all again. hope this finds you well in body and in mind!!!
I love your blog. This post is awesome- you are like a REAL LIFE Carrie Bradshaw! Jimmy Choo should totally buy ads.
Thanks for visiting Pajamas and Coffee so I could find you and say hello!
Cheers!
xoxo
Right now I’m where you were…on shaky ground, but wanting to go forward…get married…have kids. As much as I want J to propose, I worry that he’s only going to do it because it’s what I want. That will lead to a very resentful marriage.
It took major guts for you to walk away and I applaud you for your decision. Because you are right…you are better off than being in a bad marriage.
And the reason we fall in love is because when it’s good, it’s so freaking good. My friend is coming off a horrible divorce and her husband is acting like a total ass. But she’s met someone new and she’s in major love with him. She’s floating on clouds and says she’s never quite felt like this ever. So it’s all worth it…all the crap that she had to go through to get there.
Real and absolute and lasting love will find you. Once you find yourself again.
Thank you for your kind words, Shana. I’m so sorry to hear you are going through such a tough spell yourself. Taking a long hard look at where we are in our lives/relationships is never an easy thing, but I do think it’s essential for your own mental health. Think about what it is you want from this relationship, maybe take a step back for just a bit, and immerse yourself in activities that make you happy.
I can’t say for sure that I’m completely healed; that’ll take some time. But I can say that the grass is greener. Though there was a point when I wanted a wedding, house, children, my life has taken a different course and I’m really okay with that. Find what makes you happy, Shana. And let me know your progress!
Best wishes always,
Charlotte
Your comment has made my week. Seriously. You have no idea how much I LOVE YOUR BLOG. You are a true inspiration for me and for so many other bloggers. THANK YOU!!!