Good morning, my friends! I really want to express how much your words, support, and encouragement have meant to me these past few days. I also want to address something that I inadvertently left out of my previous blog post.
Going to counseling is by no means an admission of defeat—in fact, I would argue that it is the exact opposite. I once lived in a loveless, sexless relationship where feelings were discredited and emotions were continuously tucked away. I was hurting and I felt as though my partner didn’t really hear me. I know it’s a difficult step for any couple to admit that there is something not quite right, and I’m grateful to have a boyfriend who is willing to find a solution.
It wasn’t easy to step foot into that office on Monday (I know we were both filled with anxiety), but I’m happy we were BOTH all in.
My suspicions of how things would transpire were somewhat accurate but the environment was much nicer than I ever could have imagined. The leather couch was replaced with an ottoman and colorful throw pillows. The stale, clinical air I was expecting from a therapist’s office was instead infused with essential oils. A Buddhist lamp and candles were just a few of the decorative touches kept in the corner like a sacred shrine.
I could feel myself beginning to breathe, and I knew immediately that we had found the right therapist.
She forced us to really listen to each other. It was a lot of “Charlotte, you’re saying X but I think Bryan is hearing Y,” which was helpful because it allowed me to deconstruct the language I was using. And I think it helped validate my feelings to Bryan when he interpreted something incorrectly. For example, while I might send Bryan tons of links to vacation destinations, what I’m really trying to say is that I value the time we spend together, and it doesn’t mean we have to fly somewhere to have a unique, shared experience.
Communication is key but if we don’t properly absorb what we are saying to each other, everything is lost. Our homework assignment is to participate in reflective listening so that we can communicate clearly and more effectively.
This will be one of our first weekends of downtime in a long while and I hope we use this time wisely. We have made a follow-up appointment next Thursday and already Bryan has mentioned a few things he can’t wait to tell Jennifer. So maybe some of it was in jest, but the implication is the same—he is committed and is willing to stick it out, too.
Happy Friday, my sweets! What’s on the agenda this weekend, my friends? Was this the longest week in the history of ever for you, too?
I missed your previous post on this topic, but it seems you are both taking a very positive step to get your relationship to where you want it to be…commendable 🙂
Yay! I’m proud of both of you. Sometimes it’s hard to hear things about yourself, but you will come out a better version of yourself. I still use things I learned all those years ago. XOXOXOXO
I am SUCH a fan of couple’s counseling. Matt and I used to drive separately and do our own thing for an hour after each appointment so we could reflect on our own what was said during our session. We’ve worked so hard at our marriage and we just refuse to give up. Sometimes having that impartial third party person to tell you that you’re really being a jerk is super helpful. I know it was for me. Good luck!!
YES! First of all, I am SO incredibly happy that this is the direction things are going in and that you’re going to work on this together. Bryan has completely surprised me – this first step of going is beyond huge. xoxo
I’m SO GLAD it went well. It sounds like this is exactly what the two of you need right now and I hope it really brings the two of you closer together.
It was a lot of “Charlotte, you’re saying X but I think Bryan is hearing Y” …. that really *does* sound like a helpful thing. I often find myself doing this translation stage between friends/colleagues so I can totally see that would be useful. I missed your first post on this as I was in Egypt last week, but I just want to say that I think it’s awesome and positive to be trying to fix things, rather than just stumbling along when you know something isn’t quite right. I’ve had personal counselling and found it incredibly helpful (even now, years later, I still call on the things I learnt then). All the best with it xoxo
Sounds like you’re both on the right track, that’s great! Good luck, Charlotte. xo
That’s wonderful that you both are on board for counseling and that it’s already proven quite helpful! 🙂 It will take time but it will be so worth it. Communication is the most difficult thing in a relationship to achieve and yet it is the most important factor. I guess if the person is worth the effort, they’re worth the anguish lol 🙂 Hope it all works out and that you two get your relationship to better terms! Use your words wisely! Have a great weekend Charlotte! -Iva
I was in an abusive marriage for 10 years. I know how hard, and long, the road to recovery from that is. My poor husband now has had to help put me back together, a task he was hardly equipped to handle. Without us both getting counseling, we’d be divorced. I’m sure of it. You’re definitely doing the right thing. I’m glad you found a counselor that works for you both. I wish you the best of luck and happiness.
Sounds all very positive, love. I’m happy that it seems to be going well thus far. I hope you both have a good weekend together. xoxx I’m petsitting all weekend so check back Monday for a slew of cute pics!!
xox
Sounds like you have found a good therapist!
Glad the first experience was positive! And yeah, I thought of it as the opposite of an admission of defeat. For sure.
xoxo
So glad to hear things are moving forward. I agree about the communication part. I think that is the one saving grace for any healthy relationship. It sounds like you have found a good therapist and that’s pretty darn fantastic!
Such a brave and encouraging post!
Good for you both!
Hugs,
Mila
I read this today for a reason. I have an amazing marriage, but we have major life changes coming up that includes us moving closer to my stepchildren. I am struggling with this (stepparenting, leaving a state I love to go to another state where the majority of people believe in ideals that are a far cry from mine). My husband is being supportive in going with me. Our fist appointment is this week and I am nervous. Thank you for the reminder that this is healthy. This is okay. And this can help. Thank you, thank you, thank you.