If you haven’t already, I strongly suggest you read the following NY Times article entitled The Wedding Toast I’ll Never Give. It’s okay—I’ll wait right here until you get back. Otherwise I’m not sure the title (or content) of today’s blog post will make much sense.
I’m often convinced that when it comes to relationships, I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. I couldn’t possibly bestow any pearls of wisdom on someone about love, commitment, and creating the kind of love that lasts FOREVER, because (like many of you, I imagine), I’m still learning as I go. And aren’t we all just slightly terrified of the finality of that seven-letter word?
It’s a far cry from the advice I tried to give while I was in my 20s about relationship dealbreakers, the kinds of men to avoid online (though admittedly, that probably still holds true), and what to expect at different milestones in your relationship.
I’ve learned that there is no mold, no normal, no benchmark, and certainly no across-the-board teachings that could possibly define every couple. The arguments that Bryan and I have today aren’t the same ones we had in previous relationships, nor are they of substance/relevance to other people. And yet, they speak volumes, they define who we are, how far we’ve come and how far we have yet to go.
Sometimes I think that any outsider examining our relationship might think that Bryan and I suffer from extreme bipolar tendencies.
“There’s a very fine line between loving and hating the person you’re with,” my bestie reassured me over lunch one day as we swapped relationship woes and lamented about the annoying things our partners do.
“How do you know whether or not to stay together?” I asked, between bites.
“You start to think about what life would be like without your partner. Can you imagine continuing on without Bryan beside you?”
“No,” I stared back. I couldn’t. I didn’t even want to think about it and when I did, I felt that lump in the back of my throat get thick and heavy.
I made a conscious decision that day to roll up my sleeves when the going got tough and especially on those days when I just wanted to extend a giant middle finger to the relationship and to the work it entailed.
“In Zen Buddhism, meditation helps practitioners detach from the cycle of desire and suffering. In my brief stint as a religious studies major, I preferred Pure Land Buddhism, an alternate path to enlightenment for people who (as one professor told us) may find it difficult to abandon worldly pain and passion because those things can also yield such beauty and comfort. He summed it up as: “Life is suffering — and yet.””
Yes. What about those “and yet” moments?
The breakthrough in the middle of a heated debate when you and your significant other finally see eye to eye. The smile and laughter that breaks the silence. The tender kiss and loving embrace after a dry spell. Or, the gentle kiss Bryan left on my forehead this morning when he left for work and asked if I was cold.
In her article, Ada Calhoun takes a good look at the vows people repeat to each other as they tie the knot. The promises to be each other’s best friend always, in sickness and in health.
Acceptance in the “and yet” moments seems to be of the utmost importance. And yet Bryan says ‘State Farms’ instead of ‘State Farm’; and yet sometimes I will play backseat driver and he’ll have to stop yelling and get over it; and yet there are days when I want to stab him in the eyeball with a pencil.
What are some of your “and yet” moments?
You’re so right! No relationship is exactly “perfect” and we all need to be willing to give in a little and accept our loved one for who he/she is! <3
I love this.
Last week, Chris and I went on a little mini vacation for a few days and it was so great. And then we came home and he completely ignored me for an entire day. Sigh.
After reading the article (and your post) it’s funny. I remember when I decided to divorce my first husband. We were fighting AGAIN about money and his inability to tell me when he was having problems. And I just thought, “I can’t be married to this man anymore. I can’t do this for the rest of my life.”
I could no longer think of a single GOOD reason to be married to him. I could think of bad ones: getting divorced is hard. I don’t want to let other people down. I’m scared. But no good ones.
I sometimes want to smack Izzy upside the head. When I came home yesterday and he was supposed to come home on break and let the dogs out. Not only did he not come home on break but he didn’t even bother to text me and warn me that he hadn’t come home. I mean SERIOUSLY. Not even a text? WTF.
And yet. Those damn and yets. And yet he always lets me watch what I want on TV, even though it’s usually Lifetime or reality TV. And yet when Emma ate her own poop and then puked it up (yep, she did. And thank goodness she’s over that) he cleaned it up so I wouldn’t have to keep gagging. And yet he always puts me first even when I’m being a whiny brat. And yet he is so loving.
Like you with Bryan, I could not imagine my life without Izzy. Even after the really hard year we’ve had (is 2015 over with yet because it SUCKS) I could not imagine him not being next to me.
I think getting married is one of those dreams. But BEING married is kind of a nightmare. You just have to decide if you’re strong enough to weather it.
Ha! I totally get the “stab each other in the eyeball with a pencil”.
I feel this way about blogging sometimes too!
Such an important, yet imponderable, subject. None of us has the answers. We all struggle with relationships. I’m at an age when my friends are on their 3rd or 4th marriages (or more), with no clue what went wrong before. I believe that most people don’t understand themselves and are thus handicapped in understanding flaws in their relationships.
Oh, what a great post, Charlotte. I agree that we are always working and progressing forward and sometimes backward in relationships. Being a divorced woman I can say that some marriages will not work, no matter what. You just run out of and yets’. But when you’re with the right person, they’re never perfect but they’re perfect for us with all their flaws.
That was a great article. My and yet—he’s always there for me, rain, shine, hell whatever. He’s there and always accepts me just the way I am…. <3
Luckily there are “and yet” moments where there need to be.
Sometimes I really want to give Cassidy the middle finger all day long. I do.. but behind his back.
And then we see eye to eye again, and even better.
I’m with you sister. It just baffles me how one minute things can be fantastic and the next, a complete 180. Listen, I know I’m the furthest idea of perfection out there but marriage and relationships are constant work and anyone that tells you different is lying their face off.
Love this! It’s those “end yet” moments that make relationships worth it 🙂
2 Things that worked for us (in my past relationship) were: Patience and respect. Though patience can fluctuate during difficult times and situations, you know you are with that person and things need to get resolved sooner or later. As opposed to some friendships where you just walk away and flip the other person off, in a relationship, you either vent and get your little time off to cool down or both. As for respect, it is the most obvious too and both people have the right to get upset and try not to offend each other to the point of prolonging the situation. As for stabbing the other one in the eye ball, sure, you can do that when all else fails. Make sure is actually both! lol jk 🙂