This week’s post is brought to you by a dangerous concoction of Captain Morgan/diet coke and a mixed bag of wild emotions so I might not be as lucid as normal. My apartment also happens to be about 95 degrees and I’m not running on much sleep these days so forgive me if I seem a bit out of sorts.
Every now and then a CD will come into my life and I will identify with every single word in every single song and I could swear the artist crawled inside my head and made sense of the madness. That CD for me this week is Lily Allen’s “It’s Not Me, It’s You,” and I was introduced to it by my brother of all people. It’s a giant “fuck you” to all her ex-boyfriends and while I’m not taking this opportunity to slam mine, I can identify with many of her lyrics and I love the whimsical feel to her music. Plus, I love a gal who can be unapologetically honest. I’d like to borrow a bit of her courage in writing today because sometimes I have a hell of a time figuring out what goes on in the murky waters of my mind.
Last week I discovered that Jackson has a new girlfriend and it took me some time to process that information. I won’t lie: I was completely distraught. I cried, questioned my own self worth, and hosted my very own pity party. I found myself treading down paths filled with self-loathing and regret; all the shitty, familiar places I’ve spent so much time trying to escape. After allowing some time to elapse, I can honestly say that this was the swift kick I needed to shut that door once and for all.
Now that the dust has settled, I feel a sense of calm about the entire situation. I can’t say that the hurt no longer exists, but I don’t want what he has so why would I begrudge him that? I’ve spent the last eight months of my life trying to figure myself out and have confidence now that I never had before; something I am excited to bring into a new relationship when the time is right. Now is not that time and I’m perfectly content with that.
I’m really tired of being so damn hard on myself all the time. After I saw pictures of the two of them on Facebook, I compared myself to her, questioned what he would see in her… but who gives a flying fuck? I left him and I made that decision for a reason. I would never want to walk down that path again with him so it’s only natural he’d find another girl to move on with.
Life is simply too short to waste on regret. And I am pleased to report that I have none.
When things like this happen, it’s always hard. No matter if you did the leaving or how much time has gone by or not. I’ve been in just this same place before.
I’m so happy that you are looking forward and not back. 🙂
thanks so much, salt 🙂 yea, it was difficult. but i dunno, i feel like it provides me with the closure i need somehow.
Facebook is the devil…seriously. No good can come of being friends with your ex via social networking. Please un-friend him immediately.
I’m so happy that you are looking at this as a positive and not letting it destroy all the progress you’ve made so far. You are right…you left him for a reason. He can’t give you what you want. Period.
Love will find you when you are ready for it.
Now stop checking Jackson’s Facebook page! 🙂
this is a crazy and embarrassing confession but i still have the aforementioned qualities and im married. no regrets, but you might never forget
but I’m so happy that you’ve taken time and can see more clearly
hey, ya’ll. thanks so much for your words of encouragement. i’m surprised by how i’m handling all this so far but i think it just shows how hard i’ve been working on restoring my sense of self these last few months.
@shana: i’ve totally unfriended jackson from FB. immediately. i don’t need that in my life any longer and the constant reminders don’t help me move forward. i was sad, but briefly. then delete, delete, delete: i removed all of the pics we had taken together. done and done! (i will no longer do any cyberstalking on jackson’s page, that’s for sure!).
Just a reminder that has been echoed by many who read you. First, the honesty in your writing is bravery at it’s best! Secondly, you are completely worthy of a quality love and life (and it will come). Finally, to quote a Prince penned tune (covered by Sinead O’Connor), “nothing compares to you”.
hi my friend! so proud of you for staying strong and taking this as an opportunity to realize that the decisions you’ve made regarding jackson have been the right ones. the perfect guy for you is going to come along…and when he does, he will be the luckiest guy ever. love you much! xoxo
Aww thanks! Following you now!
Way to go, Char! It’ll all be fine…and forgive me if I’m offering platitudes, but t’is true!
Hi, I’m Katherine. I stumbled upon your blog from the Lady Blogger Tea Party. I can relate to the way that you are feeling. I intend to follow your blog.
you are way too cool for him!
Well, I’m new to the blog, but I have to admit that was an interesting post. Clearly you have joined some of the famous American authors and poet who like the sauce: Edgar Allen Poe, Hemmingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, William Faulkner, Charles Bukowski, and of course Ryan Adams.
Music is something that can help someone get over a break up or cause someone to go down a bad spiral. Most people have a song or two that reminds them of an ex.
It appears that social networking can also be added to the list of things people need to get rid of after a break up. Cyber stalking of an ex is never good.
You say it’s not time not to get in a relationship, but don’t sit on the sidelines too long that you decide it’s easier to stay there and never get back into the game. plus you might that Mr. Right, as you walk by with your head down.