It was a Saturday and I watched Mila race from one end of the playground to the other. She had just made friends with two new girls and the three of them happily chased bugs and soaked up sunshine on an unusually warm March day. Everywhere I looked, parents smiled, happy to be outside after a long winter.
I gave several “five-minute warnings” to Mila but frankly I just didn’t care. Had nowhere to be, really, and I was just glad to have a comfortable seat on a bench. I smiled at the woman next to me and we chatted about our kids, the weather, and what it’s like to live in New Jersey. Sometimes I don’t give myself enough credit but if there’s anything I’m good at, it’s striking up a conversation.
In the distance I heard church bells ring. When was the last time I heard their chime? It must have been in Germany. Twenty years back, maybe more. Their toll simultaneously haunting, somber, and melodic, and it made me think of summers with my Oma and Opa, in the tiny town of Kitzingen.
I was let go from my job recently. The words “blessing in disguise” have been said to me more times than I can count on one hand. On the day it happened, I felt sick to my stomach. What would I do now that this chapter had closed and I wasn’t the one steering the ship? I cried, thought about choices I had made (some regrettably, others inevitable), and I felt the weight of my career, and all I had given, had been for naught.
The next morning I woke up and felt an indescribable lightness. I was no longer needed via Skype so I removed the app from my phone and shut down the 20 tabs I had left open with spreadsheets and work documents. I exited my work email for the last time.
I’ve decided to let Mila steer the ship for a bit. She deserves uninterrupted mommy time. I decided to sit her down and write down all of the things we’d like to do in the weeks and months ahead. Legoland is on that list; so is a train trip to the city and a day of ice cream and bad decisions (ha).
Soon, I’ll figure out my next chapter. Right now I’m happy to watch my daughter make new friends at the playground and hear, see, and feel this life with new clarity.
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