Last night, while in bed recovering from a nice, long weekend I opened Colornote on my phone and began Swyping and saving all the thoughts that were running laps in my mind. But I seem to have the reverse Midas touch when it comes to technology, and so this morning I managed to hit “discard” instead of “send” so bye-bye blog post. Why do they put these options so damn close to one another on the phone? Don’t they know I have clumsy fingers?!
I wanted to thank you all so very much for your supportive comments on my previous post. I decided to approach the topic of finances again last night once Bryan and I were finally able to relax after two days spent running around with our families.
“I have something to say but it’ll make you uncomfortable,” I started.
“Uhm, okay. You know how much I love when you start out conversations that way, right?”
“I know. I’m sorry… it’s just… is there any way you can give me an idea as to when you might be able to move in? Are we looking at three months, 6 months, a year…” my voice trailed off as I nervously chewed on the bottom of my lip and hoped desperately I wouldn’t have to wait an entire year to have a roommate.
He exhaled, turned his attention at me and through me.
Nothing.
The silence filled the room and I immediately regretted saying anything at all. No, I didn’t, I fought with myself. I deserve an answer, too. After all, I’m having a hard time paying the bills and it would be helpful to have someone to share the expenses with.
“Charlotte, I just don’t know. I don’t know what to tell you. I feel as though this is all we ever talk about. You have asked me in many different ways and you know I just don’t have an answer for you at the moment.”
“NO I HAVEN’T!” I wasn’t sure where that came from. I knew immediately that I needed to collect my thoughts before I resumed yelling. This time I bit my tongue, allowing my defensive words to fill the air.
I was hurt. He had essentially called me a nag when I thought I had been playing it cool this entire time. Was he interpreting my actions as being over the top or was I effectively turning up the heat on a sore subject for him? I wasn’t entirely sure.
We didn’t reach any conclusions last night but made peace this morning. I let it go, knowing that he has a lot on his mind at the moment and that my attempts at communicating aren’t always the most effective. I blame the stubborn German in me. But there still are answers I’m waiting on; I’m just not sure how to extract them delicately.
I thought back on the weekend and the carpet time I had with his sweet three-year-old niece playing with My Little Ponies. I don’t remember much about life at that age, but I know it wasn’t this heavy.
Sometimes heavy just takes some getting used to.
Ugh! I’m sorry sweets! I wish sitting on the carpet and playing with My Little Ponies would take care of every heavy issue in life. You’re in my thoughts and prayers. Stupid money!
Be warned – this is a bit harsh. I write it with tough love, not any malicious intent towards Bryan, who seems like a good guy.
It seems that, for whatever reason, Bryan isn’t ready to move in, be it financial or personal. That’s fine, it’s his call to make about where he wants to live. It also seems that in your conversations with him he isn’t willing to budge, or give you a basic timeline of when you can expect a move in to occur.
Have you told him that your reasons for “nagging” are financial? If you have, and he still can’t commit to anything, I suggest that you make other decisions that will lead to your financial recovery. You might have to move out or get a roommate who lives in your living room. You might have to find other ways to cut back. Pinning all your financial hopes on a person who may or may not come through for you doesn’t make much sense. Don’t wait for him to save you; save yourself, and if he wants to be there for the ride
woops – finger trouble. Continuing on…
… if he wants to be there for the ride, he will be.
You are an amazing girl, you can and will get your head above water.
Also – I don’t know if you get it in the US, but there is a show floating around called ‘Til Debt Do Us Part. She has a lot of great reality checks for your finances. I highly recommend it. We don’t have TV in our place, but when I’m staying in hotels I always hope for a marathon so I can get my fix.
Pinning all your financial hopes on a person who may or may not come through for you doesn’t make much sense. Don’t wait for him to save you; save yourself, and if he wants to be there for the ride
Teresa gives sage advice. if you are feeling financial pressure and that’s playing a big factor in putting the push on moving in right now, then I would look at alternative options, at least temporarily. You might find a roommate who’s only looking for a relatively short term situation (6 months to year or whenever). Putting pressure on anyone to do something they aren’t yet ready for is likely only going to yield the opposite results you’re hoping for. As excited and ready you are, you have to let someone get there in *their* own time. When Brian is ready, he will definitely let you know!
xx
Although I do sort of agree with Teresa and SoloAt30 you also know that Iz and I are moving in together and part of it is for financial reasons, so I understand wanting to make that leap not just because you love each other but also because it would help you both out.
I don’t know Bryan personally so it’s hard for me to determine whether or not he just can’t discuss this yet because he has a lot on his mind or because maybe he’s just not ready yet. I do know that the conversation was easy with Izzy and me… we’d both been talking about moving in together and it has felt pretty natural.
I guess my advice would be to put it to the side for a little while but do let him know that you are ready and are serious about wanting to move in together. Don’t let him totally push it off but give him a little space.
And if you need to talk, I’m an email away. Love ya lady!
The not knowing is what drives a person crazy. I know I personally hate that feeling, and it tends to draw out the question “how do you not know?!” It can give you that frustrating feeling of not having any control over a part of your life you care about so much. I can certainly relate to how you feel and I hope it gets better for you soon, and I’m sure it will. Just remember to take deep breaths, remember patience is power and that everything will work out just how it’s supposed to.
Ben gets mad at me for nagging…especially right now after our little test incident. I think men prefer to bury things and deal with the moment while women want certainty and to know the future.
I feel like I can be this way sometimes, too. And I don’t mean to nag! Sometimes, I just need a temp check or an understanding for where things could possibly be going so I can figure out the rest. It’s completely normal.
The predicament you guys are in is a tough one. But you have to firstly and foremost make sure you are doing what’s best for you. If he’s not ready for this shift yet, then okay, that’s fine – everyone is allowed their pace but it might be best not to rely on that idea for right now. You’re resourceful and I feel strongly that you will figure this out.
Hang it there! It’s a tough period but you will come through higher on the other side! XO
Hang in there! I hope he makes a decision soon but you need to do what is best for you!
I’m sorry honey. Financial woes are never ever fun. I am with Teresa on this one. Find a Plan B, so at least you are not unconsciously “nagging” Bryan. You may be surprised how overwhelmed you are that you don’t realise you are doing it. Or on the other hand, how overwhelmed he is that he thinks you are doing it. It is indeed a tough spot but make a plan while he comes around, so that the pressure is off, if even a little. (hugs)
Hello, coming to you from SITS Saturday Sharefest.
Since I don’t have a lot of background on your relationship or your living situation, I hate to give you advice.
But nagging can certainly drive a wedge between people, especially about heavy subjects. Financial problems are no fun. I’ve been there on many different occasions. If your lease isn’t ending soon, can you sublet your apartment and move in with a roommate for awhile or find a roommate to share your apartment.
Hang in, there!
Sending big hugs your way. I’ve lived through this scenario in my own life, and even once in reverse.
If I saw you in person I would say this over a bowl of soup and and a good slice of crusty bread: It sounds like he’s not ready.
We women are amazingly strong creatures. We can survive through many things, even if it means cancelling our cable subscription, buying second hand, and eating rice and beans for dinner. Or working extra hours on Sat. I’ve done all of the above at some point and I would do it again if I had to. Your independence is a prize—never ever feel bad for protecting it. And the guy who finally earns it from you should be running laps around the block to prove his worth. And that guy could be this guy. So give him some room to think it’s his own idea. And make your well-being your priority in the meantime.
Lots of love your way.
awww big hugs. That sucks. I’m really sorry your move in issue didn’t get resolved. I hope it gets resolved soon. I don’t like the limbo feeling at all.