I’m going to tell you some things that suggest that I am fully embracing this pregnancy, like saving Bed Bath and Beyond registry ideas, dreaming of nursery themes, and talking to my belly when no one is around. It’s one of my favorite things to do, along with guessing where the little one is sleeping and where her head might be. Sometimes I tap my finger against my belly like she’s in a fishbowl and I think she probably hates that but I hope she finds her mom’s neurotic tendencies oddly comforting.
But then there is the rational part of my brain—the one that saved the pregnancy test and still keeps it in the bathroom garbage can, sandwiched between the plastic bag and the can itself. Sometimes I still need to look at it to remind myself that there is, in fact, a baby to begin with. Even though my belly has popped and the pants no longer fit, I crave tangible evidence of this baby’s existence which sometimes makes me feel crazy and often really alone.
This pregnancy has been fraught with nerves. How do you spend so much time dreaming of this moment—and six years of trying unsuccessfully—only to have it all materialize so easily? It seems to defy the order of things. Things just don’t happen that easily, do they?
Since I made my announcement, I have heard from many women that the fear and not knowing can be crippling, and for someone who already suffers from anxiety, it feels completely debilitating (let’s not even talk about the hormones). I have a hard time explaining to my mom that I don’t want her to contact every relative in Germany to let them know because I am constantly plagued that something will go wrong. It sucks. I also spend entirely too much time looking at women in gorgeous maternity dresses and wanting a photoshoot for myself—though I’m not sure I’m embracing this journey like I should be and that brings on another layer of guilt.
My first trimester was filled with dreams of miscarriage and waking up repeatedly in the middle of the night to check for blood. I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress since then, but now that I’m in the midst of week 21 (my baby is as big as a large banana!), I can’t help but want to speed up the clock. To bring her home and introduce her to Milo and know that everything will be okay. I will keep her safe on the outside, where I can see her, but I don’t know what she’s doing in there, and it’s maddening. Is she comfy? Am I eating the right things? Should I eat more peanut butter? Less? Am I gaining enough weight? Too much?
(Did I tell you someone asked me recently if I’m having twins?!).
I know women have been doing this since the beginning of time and we have technology and science available to us now that people could only dream of just 20 years ago.
How do I relax and enjoy the journey, like everyone keeps telling me?
Also just so you don’t think I’m a complete nutjob (or maybe it’s too late), I am enjoying some parts of this pregnancy a lot, a lot. I don’t want you to think I’m a total Debbie Downer or anything 🙂