Oh hello, my sweet friends and happy Tuesday! Did everyone have the day off yesterday, and what did you do with it? I actually worked but it was relatively slow, which was nice. I made the mistake of venturing outside to go to the library and I promised myself I wouldn’t do that again today—especially since it’s 16 degrees out there. SIXTEEN! Stay warm, y’all.
I feel as though I’ve kept kind of mum about personal things in my life from the blog lately. Not for any particular reason, since I feel as though I’m in a really great place. Things with Bryan are better than they’ve ever been, I love the work I’m doing, the people in my life, and I’m excited about some things in the works behind the scenes.
And yet there are days when I can’t help but shake the feeling that I’m stuck on square one where my relationship is concerned. Just typing that and thinking it out loud makes me feel so incredibly selfish, and yet, it’s my truth and I have to stand in it.
For the sake of complete transparency I won’t beat around the bush any longer. Engagement season is upon us, which means Facebook has been blowing up with status update changes, ring pictures, and the occasional engagement shoot. Obviously I am incredibly elated for ALL of my friends who are moving on to the next chapter in their lives—they are all wonderfully deserving of good fortune.
Put simply, there are days when I can handle this better than others. And lately, I’m having a hard time. Sometimes I worry that I’ve been too lax in my relationship. Maybe by playing the role of Cool Girl, I’m giving the impression that I don’t want to get married (edit to add: this is, I realize, completely false since I dropped the cool girl act a long time ago when I started dropping hints instead. Ooops).
The truth is, I’m not a conventional kind of a chick and I don’t care if Bryan and I have babies and then move on to the other big life-changing events. The order in which these things happen has absolutely no bearing on my life whatsoever. But there is a bit of fear that perhaps by moving in together more than two years ago, I gave away the milk for free.
Ew, that sounds so gross. I don’t really mean that. Let me start over.
Deep down, there is a resounding fear that I could end up very badly hurt by someone I love more than anything in this world. In the event of sounding incredibly cringe-worthy, I think sometimes I need the reassurance that this is heading in the right direction. There is no reason for me to feel otherwise, but sometimes when you’re in a good place in your relationship and you’re excited for the road ahead, the desire to hit the gas pedal can be incredibly overwhelming.
I guess that’s where I am today.
I’d love love love to hear from you. Have you ever felt as though you were standing on the sidelines, watching everyone else’s love story unfold? Please leave your thoughts in the comments below.