Every time I sit down to write a post, one of many I have collecting dust in my head, I think
This is impossible.
Everything seems trivial.
Who even cares anymore?
My hair falls out in clumps each time I shower. I felt my first bald patch on the back of my head yesterday and vowed to think up some new hairstyles to cover the patches, but who am I kidding? I’ll just continue to wear it in a messy bun or top knot like I’ve done since the beginning of time and since I discovered that curly hair is a mess to organize on the best of days.
Each day starts and ends the same way. Up before 7am. In bed with lights off by 11:30pm. I have complaints, but they pale in comparison to what so many are experiencing with joblessness, profound loss, racial injustice, etc. We joke that 2020 has dealt us a bad hand, and I worry for all of us, collectively. We are experiencing a lot and I try to remember that when someone says something unkind. I don’t know what his/her struggles are, but I can choose to take the higher road. Give grace because grace is needed so much now.
Most days, I can put a lot of the smaller things in my life aside to focus on my big girl Mila who grows by the minute. She makes me smile and laugh and she found her feet this week and my Grinchy heart expands whenever I see her little face (five months old today!).
But if I’m being honest? Some days I feel a certain kind of way that I don’t want to admit out loud. That maybe I’m a terrible mom and I make wrong decisions, because the truth is I have no idea what I’m doing. Leading with what I think feels right doesn’t always ease my worries and I have had a few days this week that have been complete shit. I imagine most first-time moms experience varying degrees of this, and a pandemic feeds anxieties I never knew existed.
Anyway, these are the ramblings of a momma not getting it right in a world where nothing feels normal. But writing right now feels good, so I’ll come here when the spirit moves me. How are you holding up, sweet ones? Let me know in the comments.