There is a quote I shared on Instagram recently that says “the days are long, the years are short” and that’s exactly how I felt last Monday morning in my home office, pumping with the hum of the TV in the background. How had it all ended so quickly?? Each day of maternity leave felt like a long Groundhog Day stretch of time that consisted of filling in the hours—coffee making and meal planning and tummy time and cleaning and laundry and walking and soaking up sunshine with Milo and Mila and diaper changing and showering and sleeping (rinse/repeat). Now that my maternity leave has come to an end, I’m sad we didn’t walk longer, visit the lake a few more times, snuggle a bit each morning. Of course I can still do these things since I’m working from home and I have Bryan with me which was not something I ever bargained with pre-pandemic (there are some silver linings to this whole unfortunate Covid thing), but the hours now are limited, time a bit more precious.
I am starting to understand what mommy guilt looks and feels like. I felt it with every fiber of my being when I didn’t spend much time with her last week. I knew it would be difficult but having her in the same house and feeling like I can’t possibly devote equal parts to work and baby… it hurts my heart, frankly.
The pumping is difficult and I’m exclusively feeding her this way (though I supplement with formula each evening)—I am at my Medela pump machine every 3-4 hours, 5 times a day. Then of course I have to feed, which can take up to an hour every 2-3 hours. And wash out and sterilize all the pump parts. It never ends! If I could just get her to latch on to the boob my life would be a lot easier but c’est la vie. Fed is best everyone tells me, and I’m starting to give myself grace that the breastfeeding journey is not one I’m meant to be on.
Anyway, that’s it from me. I’m hoping to write some posts on all things motherhood—recovery after c-section, mom guilt, pumping, products I’ve used that have really helped simplify my life. I really want to remember this time and use this blog as a time capsule to help my fading memory–because it’s weird and some days are really friggin hard and I second guess myself constantly. I also would love to create a space where we can lean on each other, regardless of where we are in life. I think we’re all feeling lots of things these days and I want you to know that I am here, listening <3 Sending peace and rays of sunshine to you all, my sweet ones. Speaking of sweet ones, did you see little Mila in her Phish oneside? CAN YOU EVEN??