I’m going to tell you some things that suggest that I am fully embracing this pregnancy, like saving Bed Bath and Beyond registry ideas, dreaming of nursery themes, and talking to my belly when no one is around. It’s one of my favorite things to do, along with guessing where the little one is sleeping and where her head might be. Sometimes I tap my finger against my belly like she’s in a fishbowl and I think she probably hates that but I hope she finds her mom’s neurotic tendencies oddly comforting.
But then there is the rational part of my brain—the one that saved the pregnancy test and still keeps it in the bathroom garbage can, sandwiched between the plastic bag and the can itself. Sometimes I still need to look at it to remind myself that there is, in fact, a baby to begin with. Even though my belly has popped and the pants no longer fit, I crave tangible evidence of this baby’s existence which sometimes makes me feel crazy and often really alone.
This pregnancy has been fraught with nerves. How do you spend so much time dreaming of this moment—and six years of trying unsuccessfully—only to have it all materialize so easily? It seems to defy the order of things. Things just don’t happen that easily, do they?
Since I made my announcement, I have heard from many women that the fear and not knowing can be crippling, and for someone who already suffers from anxiety, it feels completely debilitating (let’s not even talk about the hormones). I have a hard time explaining to my mom that I don’t want her to contact every relative in Germany to let them know because I am constantly plagued that something will go wrong. It sucks. I also spend entirely too much time looking at women in gorgeous maternity dresses and wanting a photoshoot for myself—though I’m not sure I’m embracing this journey like I should be and that brings on another layer of guilt.
My first trimester was filled with dreams of miscarriage and waking up repeatedly in the middle of the night to check for blood. I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress since then, but now that I’m in the midst of week 21 (my baby is as big as a large banana!), I can’t help but want to speed up the clock. To bring her home and introduce her to Milo and know that everything will be okay. I will keep her safe on the outside, where I can see her, but I don’t know what she’s doing in there, and it’s maddening. Is she comfy? Am I eating the right things? Should I eat more peanut butter? Less? Am I gaining enough weight? Too much?
(Did I tell you someone asked me recently if I’m having twins?!).
I know women have been doing this since the beginning of time and we have technology and science available to us now that people could only dream of just 20 years ago.
How do I relax and enjoy the journey, like everyone keeps telling me?
Also just so you don’t think I’m a complete nutjob (or maybe it’s too late), I am enjoying some parts of this pregnancy a lot, a lot. I don’t want you to think I’m a total Debbie Downer or anything 🙂
Photo by Camylla Battani on Unsplash
In my first-baby-at-39 experience, I am finally now starting to relax. My kiddo is 7 months old. When he was tiny, he seemed so fragile that I couldn’t believe he was here to stay. Now he’s starting to feel like a real, solid little person with a personality. During pregnancy and tiny babyhood, I was always cautious about expecting a good outcome, but I also made sure to soak up every second I got with him. One warning: a friend told me before I gave birth that it’s common to envision bad things happening, in the postpartum period especially. I found this to be true. I would be crossing the street and think, “what if that car hits me and the baby?” Or putting him to bed and think, “what if he never wakes up?” That is normal, but worth watching out for how it interacts with your anxiety.
You are halfway there mama! That is crazy! I totally understand your feelings, with all you have been through I would expect you would have lots of anxieties. I have no great advice other than keep taking things one day at a time. Look at that ultrasound picture as much as you need. Rub your belly. Take lots of deep breaths. She will be here soon and it will all be worth it. Love you mama!!
I hear this experience has its ups and downs. Try to enjoy as much as you can. You’ll have memories for a lifetime.
You’re doing a great job. It’s such a crazy time and I’m glad there are bits you are enjoying. Hang on in there mama. Keep talking to your belly, keep remembering the moments of the pregnancy you are loving, keep hope. As hard as it is, try and take some of the worries off yourself. There is a miracle inside you.
I completely get why this pregnancy would be anxious for you. You’re kind of preparing for the worst still, and I can’t say you shouldn’t, but I do hope that things feel a bit better as you continue along. I’m sure you’re doing a great job and before you know, she’ll be here and you can keep her loved and safe for years and years and years to come. I’ve never had kids, but I feel like I would be a mess, even if I hadn’t been through the struggles you have. It’s a natural thing – to have kids – but that doesn’t mean it’s not really freaking terrifying. It’s okay to feel that way. I’m glad you’re enjoying some aspects of pregnancy though!!! 🙂
-Lauren
Not Debbie Downer at all. Normal! Pregnancy is weird. Some people love the journey and some hate it – but they seem to arrive at the same conclusion – healthy babies. I know this because I had one pregnancy I loved and one I was a mess THE WHOLE TIME FOR. And look – Scarlet and Des are nearly twins in health and temperament! And.. they fight like crazy too.
Scarlet wasn’t planned, as you know, so I didn’t have any months or years of uncertainty or trying. It did seem too easy, though. My entire first trimester was fraught with waking up in the middle of the night to pee (which I never do otherwise) and thinking I’d see blood.
I did get over that aspect, but I think it’s perfectly normal. And worrying about something doesn’t make it happen. Whew.
Much love to you!
I did not have a mental illness prior to pregnancy/delivery so I was on cloud nine. I am not minimizing what you are going through by saying that. I wanted to say that because having anxiety and a mental illness afterwards, I could not in one hundred million years even begin to fathom what it would be like to be pregnant with those symptoms. It must be really difficult and to have that tragic experience weighing in your heart and soul, it must compound it as well. While I can’t begin to relate to this part of your experience to mine – know that the other junk, the brain junk, I can. I am hear for you. I see you. I can listen to you if you need an ear. Always. You’re going to be a wonderful momma.
PS. I wore a back brace during the second trimester and it was sexy saucy as hell. I had worries too. Mom brains are fierce. Mom brains on anxiety are like blenders on overdrive.
I love you xoxo
OMG I HAVE BEEN MIA FOR SO LONG – I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU!!!!!!
Be kind to yourself sweetie. How you’re given given your history, is normal. It truly does seem like this is all a dream but Charlotte, this is real, babe, this is REAL. Your baby is growing so nicely in your warm and comfortable womb. Before you know it, you’re going to be holding this tiny little baby girl in your arms and you’re going to have to punch yourself, that she’s real and in the flesh and she needs you.
I never wished more than now that I lived closer to you. To walk this journey with you and hold your hand and give you hugs when you need them.
I hope Bryan and Milo are spoiling you with so much love babe. Remember, one day at a time, love.
I love you!
xoxox
I think it’s understandable that you worry and I don’t think you can’t do much about it until the baby is here, in your arms.