Many thanks to Irma, the author of today’s post, who writes about a topic many of us can relate to.
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Have you ever wondered how separated parents or friends of yours keep it together and put on a good show of their shattered relationship? Here’s the secret to a happy ex-relationship – it’s not as hard as you might think.
Be practical
Think logically about removing the other person from your life. Whether you’ve been living in cohabitation or just have a few things at each other’s houses, it’s a good idea to get started on clearing things out fairly soon. Ask for support from family or friends if it’s too overwhelming, and you can’t bear to face your ex. Arrange to leave his stuff with another family member or neighbor instead.
Take a time out
Everyone needs a time out after a relationship breaks down, so always be aware that both parties will need some breathing space before you can see each other and start to talk about the next stage. If you try to go from relationship straight to friendship it simply will not work. This is because your brain needs time to adjust to the new set up and process the fact that you are not together anymore.
Take it slowly
If you’ve decided you want to make a go of a friendship with your ex then take things slowly. Arrange to meet up for the first time in a neutral place like a café or park, but be careful not to choose somewhere that means anything to you two when you were a couple or you might stir up old feelings. Have a “get out” clause if things start to go wrong, like a phone call from a friend, or a generic reason to make a move. You don’t want to linger too long or start to dwell on the past.
Be conscientious
If you’ve been together for a while then you’ll likely have shared groups of friends and even shared activities that you enjoy together. Now that the relationship has come to an end you have to come to terms with the fact that there will be a lot less socialising for a while. Equally important is ensuring your ex doesn’t feel awkward about meeting up with friends you shared.
Don’t talk ill of your ex
If you’re thinking of maintaining a friendship then this should be fairly obvious, but no matter what happens between you and your ex, and even if you just want to be civil towards each other, you have to make sure you are not talking about him behind his back in a negative way.
It’s never easy trying to maintain a relationship with your ex when feelings are raw, but give it some time, stay focused on the goal, and you’ll get there.
All great tips for making things work with minimal pain and drama. When my ex-husband and I split in 2008 it was not pretty. A lot anger, bitterness, denial, resentment. Ouch. We just couldn’t stand each other for more than five minutes without bringing on WW 3. Now, five years later, we’re good friends. Once the emotion went away (plus I re-married in 2010) and we had ample time apart, we were able to reconnect as the friends we should have been (and stayed as) all along. It doesn’t always work for everyone but it’s worth a try if possible.
Oh thank God. I got scared you broke up with Bryan.
Good points, indeed. Although I can’t really be friends with any of my exes, It is mostly out of choice and not because there is bad blood. There is none, but I personally keep my distance.
I have exes that I simply have nothing to do with and exes I’m friends with. I’m not really sure why it’s that way, how I can have good relationships with some and not with others. But I’d totally agree with all these points.
i’ve wanted to maintain a friendship with all of my exes and only one of them is still my friend. the others just didn’t care to be friends anymore. so it’s all person-dependent.
Keeping a friendship relationship with an ex is really tough and awkward… unless you found yourself a new love relationship that works well and therefore have someone new to focus on. Otherwise I think sooner or later your just get mixed up with your feelings…