This past weekend Bryan and I tiptoed around a topic of conversation that has come up quite a few times over the course of our young relationship and I decided that, good or no, I wanted very much to know the answer to the dreaded question: How many people has he slept with?
“Charlotte, no good can come from it. It’s in his past and it shouldn’t change anything,” my best friend told me when I mentioned to her that I wanted to have this conversation with him. And because I’m so very good at listening to the sage advice of my loving friends, I decided to push him for an answer anyway.
I wasn’t scared of what he would say when I told him my number (awkward teenage years coupled with insecurity, stupid boyfriends in college, and two long-term relationships post college kept my number on the lower end of the scale), but I had a feeling his would be higher than I would have liked. And I also made it clear he couldn’t double and I wouldn’t half. He reluctantly told me his number might change the way I felt about him and that it’s better left unsaid but I reassured him that it wouldn’t. Once I had an idea of just how many girls we were talking about I could just let it lie and I wouldn’t obsess about it ever again.
He made jokes, tried to change the topic, and told me Adam Corolla had said that 50 is a good go-to number: it’s round and sweet, shows experience, and, he insisted, wasn’t high enough to make a woman faint. I didn’t tell him that even this number seemed high, and it’s a good thing I didn’t because he was honest and told me what it really was (which, consequently, was considerably higher than Corolla’s ballpark figure).
Wilt Chamberlain* buried his head in the pillow and said we never should have brought it up. But I didn’t blink. I wanted to make good on my promise of not freaking out, and, somehow I felt a wave of calm once he did finally release that information to me.
Am I happy his number is on the high side? No. But it doesn’t discredit what we share and he’s never made me feel as though I was just another notch on the belt. Did he care that my number was on the low side? No. Although this does touch on a whole other topic of double standards that exist in our society. I wonder what would have happened if I had pulled the same number out of my hat that he presented me with.
Have you ever broken up with a boyfriend or had someone break up with you because they weren’t happy with your number? Do you have a cut off number, as in, if someone has slept with X amount of people, you can’t date him/her? Is this a conversation you steer clear of in general?
Talk to me.
And for the record, I’m not going anywhere. A number is a number is a number.
*As much as I tease, Bryan comes nowhere near Wilt’s record-breaking claim of sleeping with 20,000 women. Good god, when did that man sleep?!
What a question. I don’t think a number has ever scared me away, but it certainly is telling. I do think a little life experience is a good thing to have before settling down, so I guess that includes experience in the sack. The double standard does make me want to puke.
Eeesh. I have had the numbers convo in the past, but not in a very long time. Mostly because I agree with your wise sage: no good ever comes of it. And as you said, a number is a number is a number. I don’t particularly care about it, and it seems like the type of thing that could lead to a fight or a conflict if the two people aren’t like you and Bryan. Kudos to you for bringing a little humor to this potentially very touchy subject!
One time a guy’s number scared me, but that was because I couldn’t believe he got that many women to sleep with him. Obviously I wasn’t that into him.
Good for you for not freaking out about it.
It sounds like conquering this question hurdle was a major trust turning point in your relationship in a lot of ways.
I actually watched that movie last weekend and then had to calculate my number because I was curious and stopped counting after 3. I brought this conversation up with John at the very beginning of our relationship, but he really didn’t want to discuss it, so I dropped it and we never talked about it again.
I think you are a good woman to not freak out about it. I don’t know how I’d react if I actually knew.
And I think it’s a great thing that you guys were able to trust each other to share that kind of thing.
Yeah, I agree that no good can come from that conversation. I would never ask nor answer that question. There’s no helpful way for that info to be used. If a guy wants to pass judgement on me, he’ll have to come up with another way. If he’s concerned about who I slept with when I didn’t know him, he’s probably not right for me. I see this as a red flag. I think any woman being asked this question ought to respond “why on earth do you want to know that?”. I assure you, there’s no good reason…only a bad one.
-The Spinsterlicious Life
First and foremost I’m no Wilt; that’s for sure! Of course through High School and College I might fall into the stereotypical male category, but was never a game of “let’s see how many chicks we can get in one night” kind of thing. Secondly, this was the first and only time I’ve ever been 110% honest with a girl especially one I’m in a relationship with and truly in love with. And though in the back of my head I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop, I don’t regret being honest with her. From the moment this turned into something special, we had our discussion which I explained I’ve never cheated on a girl in my life and never will but, having this conversation never brings good things into ones relationship. I wanted a true open and honest relationship so at that time, not answering is far better then making up a number because I know being honest (at that time) probably would have scared the !@#$ out of her! Either way this goes down in the books as one of those questions every relationship faces and I’m glad my Mooi still wants me to come over after work….
Brave girl for asking the question! My husband and I did the same thing in our early dating days, asking the frightful question “How many?” I was very glad to get it out there and out of the way! The one thing I used to remind myself was that he didn’t know me at the time, so anything that happened “Pre-Dawn” was something I had to accept as building blocks for making the man I love today.
I hate preconceived notions behind numbers. I’ve had people tell me mine is high for a “good girl” (which is apparently how I come across), but I factor mine by the amount of years and the number creating an average by year and to me it seems low. I love that you were both honest though, that really is the key here!
Well I’m glad you two survived this discussion. It might sound weird but my husband and I have never discussed it. He likes to say that neither of us ever dated anyone before we met the other. Code for “I don’t want to know anything about your dating life before me.”
The guy that I lost my virginity to had a pretty high number – and it has climbed since then. We didn’t discuss the actual number because I really didn’t want to know but it did feel strange to have him be my first whereas I was nowhere near his.
I was my ex-husband’s second but we weren’t exclusive and between that first time and us getting married his number grew by a few. That bothered me more because I knew each of the girls and I knew why he was sleeping with them.
The boyfriend and I both have relatively low numbers. We know that we both have pasts but that we both also take sex seriously and would only sleep with people we actually care about.
I think discussing the number is fine as long as you don’t hold that number against your partner, ya know?
So, I’m the nerd that has only ever slept with my husband. And he’s only slept with his wife.
Wow, I have written about this before, so I can understand the slippery slope this topic is. Unfortunately, knowing the number can sometimes actually do damage to how a person perceives their partner. I’m glad you two seemed to have handled it maturely and that you have such a great attitude about it. Sounds like you guys have a really solid foundation and trust, which bodes well for your future.
Oooooo…my husband and I had that conversation I’m pretty sure before we were married…at his insistence. Yikes. My number was more than double his. Oooops. He did get married young his first time around…and I didn’t get married until I was 35…so…neither number is really very big…in my opinion 😛 But I guess mine makes me sound kind of slutty.
Wait! How can you two be having sex? You’re not even married!!! I don’t get it.
I’m saving myself for the right woman. I’m a good Christian. ha!
m.
I feel like I owe you an extra comment from my absence last week, so here is me saying “Have a lovely weekend.”
It’s only because of my personal values that I would have a hard time dating someone with a high number. But if it was in the past I could overlook it. As long as he was of good quality and never made me feel judged.
Yes, I’ve had the convo. It’s always a bit awkward for all. I think the cheaters convo is more telling than the numbers unless it’s just plain insane. Glad to hear you and b. are getting on. Happy Spring!!
Have a great weekend!
glad you took it all in stride…I sometimes wish I had never asked….
Wow, I can’t believe you went there. That’s a new relationship thing. My husband and I never ever talked about that.
I’m like you, I always have a need to know the answers to questions that I probably won’t like. But I’m of the school of thought that without knowing the whole picture, you might never be able to know anyone. I value transparency and full disclosure. And I think accepting someone and all that came before is a big stepping stone in any relationship.
At the end of the day, it really is just a number that does little to detail the person he is now and how he feels about you. We’re all so different in the past and each day we move towards becoming the people we want to be. So I truly hope it doesn’t continue to bother you. If things are good now, there’s no reason to bring the past into it if you can help it. 🙂
Have a good weekend love! xoxo
This is always a touchy subject in a relationship… Ugh… so difficult to bring up…so so awkward…
But…now it’s over for you! Yeah! The white elephant is gone.
I think it’s sad there’s a double standard for women…but unfortunately…that’s the case.
Happy blogging!
You know what?
I like your friend, “No good can come of this.”
We’ve all had lives before the one that counts.
xo